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Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
She's Here!
Our sweet rainbow baby is here safe and sound and we couldn't be happier! She has been such a delight.. besides the lack of sleep these past 4 days have been the happiest days of our lives! We can not get enough of her and we are constantly fighting over who gets to hold her next! Well we don't really fight but lets just say she is hardly ever out of our arms.
The first night home was nerve racking for both of us because we didn't want anything to happen. I was so tired I needed sleep but daddy basically stayed up all night watching her. Finally my sister suggested rolling some towels to lay beside her so she wouldn't wiggle around in the bassinet and we all got a little more sleep last night. I actually have to wake her up to feed her. She only woke up once but I am sure that will change. She has a little jaundice which can cause the baby to be more sleepy but to get rid of the jaundice we need her to eat good.
My Birth Story
This was the most amazing experience of my life. I feel like so many make labor more worked up than it needs to be but I understand every one's experiences are different and mine just happened to be amazing.
On December 19th I got my cerclage out that was keeping my cervix from dilating. I had worried about getting this out because when they put it in I was put under so I was unsure of how painful it might be. It hardly even hurt I had worried so much and it was just a pinch and it was over. My midwife checked me after I got it taken out and I was immediately dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. WOW the stitch sure did its job. I had talked to other people who had the stitch and they all had gone at least a week before they went into labor. Makenna was defiantly a early Christmas surprise.
After the stitch came out I immediately started having some Braxton Hicks contractions that were closer together but not consistent. We had planned to go to Christmas Village with our friends and see all the lights but decided since I was already so far dilated and effaced that we best try to keep her in just a little longer since she would still be 3 weeks early. I kept contracting off and on but with my history I was nervous that I would dilate without having major contractions so my midwife said she would meet us to check me again to give us all a peace of mind. We met her at 8 pm and I hadn't changed so we figured okay we can go home and relax.
We went to bed around 9:30 just in case so we could get a last good nights rest if she did decide to make her big debut. I woke up around 1 am having some painful menstrual like cramping along with contractions. I started timing them and they were sometimes 3 min apart but sometimes 10 minutes apart so I made some toast and drank some water and tried to fall back asleep. After about two hours they calmed down and I fell back asleep on the couch. I woke up at 5 to another painful cramp but I had heard that cramping was not a contraction so I moved back into our bedroom and fell back asleep until about 6 am. I woke up to another contraction and started having more close together. They were the most painful cramps I had ever felt but I could still ease my way through them so I was still unsure if I should go into the hospital or not but I remembered that every ones contractions are different and this could be the way my body contracted and I couldn't compare my labor to someone else's since I have an insufficient cervix.
I woke up Jay D who had been sleeping peacefully all through the night having no idea what was going on letting him know we best be on our way to the hospital just in case. My contractions were a consistent 3-4 minutes apart. When we got there they took a while to get us back into a room to be checked. I almost think they didn't believe me but were still really nice. Finally around 7 am they checked me and I had dilated to a 4 1/2 and was still 90% effaced. WOW I was almost surprised since I questioned if I was in actual labor. Boy am I glad they kept me.
They moved me into the labor & delivery room and around 8 I got my epidural (I probably could have gone natural but I figured we had a long day ahead and I wanted to enjoy my time with relaxing and sleep) I was way tired once the epidural started working so I closed my eyes.
At about 9 the nurse came in to put in my catheter and check my progress again. She asked what I thought I was dilated to and I said a 6? She said close you're at a 7 plus..um WHAT?????? I was shocked it was going by so fast and I wasn't even on pitocin. My body was doing this all on its own I was amazed and so grateful for modern day medicine because all of this confirmed that I really did have an insufficient cervix. Not even 20 min. later I felt a lot of pressure and I told the nurse. She checked me again and I was at a 9 almost fully dilated. She immediately called my midwife and said you need to get over here. My midwife said she'd be there soon and the nurse replied no you need to be here faster than 10 min. this baby is coming. She got there in 6 min and they were rushing to get everything ready for the arrival of our sweet little Makenna.
I was ready when my midwife arrived to start pushing. My midwife was a great coach and Makenna was here within 5 pushes. She came out screaming and with lots and lots of dark curly hair at 10:24 am on 12.20.12! Everything I've ever wished for in a baby and never thought I'd have!
She had been feeding pretty good and we are starting to get a hang of things and she sleeps so good at night that I have to wake her to eat.. but I am not expecting it to stay this way. She is so darling and we can't get enough of her!!! She;s a happy healthy beautiful baby girl. We feel so blessed and loved.
The last 14 months have been the most trying, difficult, & depressing months of my life but Makenna has brought a special healing to our hearts and even though she is our everything right now we never forget her big little brother Logan who she is named after. I know he is up there smiling down on us and so happy our hearts and arms feel a little less empty this Christmas day.
I am unsure if I will continue to blog or not I have not decided. This blog has been a place for me to grieve and connect with other mothers that have gone through the same thing as I have. I am happy to say that those moms that I have gotten close to are also now enjoying their rainbow babies or have their rainbow baby on the way! If I continue to blog I will make it private. Please leave your email just in case if you'd like to continue to read our journey.
The first night home was nerve racking for both of us because we didn't want anything to happen. I was so tired I needed sleep but daddy basically stayed up all night watching her. Finally my sister suggested rolling some towels to lay beside her so she wouldn't wiggle around in the bassinet and we all got a little more sleep last night. I actually have to wake her up to feed her. She only woke up once but I am sure that will change. She has a little jaundice which can cause the baby to be more sleepy but to get rid of the jaundice we need her to eat good.
My Birth Story
This was the most amazing experience of my life. I feel like so many make labor more worked up than it needs to be but I understand every one's experiences are different and mine just happened to be amazing.
On December 19th I got my cerclage out that was keeping my cervix from dilating. I had worried about getting this out because when they put it in I was put under so I was unsure of how painful it might be. It hardly even hurt I had worried so much and it was just a pinch and it was over. My midwife checked me after I got it taken out and I was immediately dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. WOW the stitch sure did its job. I had talked to other people who had the stitch and they all had gone at least a week before they went into labor. Makenna was defiantly a early Christmas surprise.
After the stitch came out I immediately started having some Braxton Hicks contractions that were closer together but not consistent. We had planned to go to Christmas Village with our friends and see all the lights but decided since I was already so far dilated and effaced that we best try to keep her in just a little longer since she would still be 3 weeks early. I kept contracting off and on but with my history I was nervous that I would dilate without having major contractions so my midwife said she would meet us to check me again to give us all a peace of mind. We met her at 8 pm and I hadn't changed so we figured okay we can go home and relax.
We went to bed around 9:30 just in case so we could get a last good nights rest if she did decide to make her big debut. I woke up around 1 am having some painful menstrual like cramping along with contractions. I started timing them and they were sometimes 3 min apart but sometimes 10 minutes apart so I made some toast and drank some water and tried to fall back asleep. After about two hours they calmed down and I fell back asleep on the couch. I woke up at 5 to another painful cramp but I had heard that cramping was not a contraction so I moved back into our bedroom and fell back asleep until about 6 am. I woke up to another contraction and started having more close together. They were the most painful cramps I had ever felt but I could still ease my way through them so I was still unsure if I should go into the hospital or not but I remembered that every ones contractions are different and this could be the way my body contracted and I couldn't compare my labor to someone else's since I have an insufficient cervix.
I woke up Jay D who had been sleeping peacefully all through the night having no idea what was going on letting him know we best be on our way to the hospital just in case. My contractions were a consistent 3-4 minutes apart. When we got there they took a while to get us back into a room to be checked. I almost think they didn't believe me but were still really nice. Finally around 7 am they checked me and I had dilated to a 4 1/2 and was still 90% effaced. WOW I was almost surprised since I questioned if I was in actual labor. Boy am I glad they kept me.
They moved me into the labor & delivery room and around 8 I got my epidural (I probably could have gone natural but I figured we had a long day ahead and I wanted to enjoy my time with relaxing and sleep) I was way tired once the epidural started working so I closed my eyes.
At about 9 the nurse came in to put in my catheter and check my progress again. She asked what I thought I was dilated to and I said a 6? She said close you're at a 7 plus..um WHAT?????? I was shocked it was going by so fast and I wasn't even on pitocin. My body was doing this all on its own I was amazed and so grateful for modern day medicine because all of this confirmed that I really did have an insufficient cervix. Not even 20 min. later I felt a lot of pressure and I told the nurse. She checked me again and I was at a 9 almost fully dilated. She immediately called my midwife and said you need to get over here. My midwife said she'd be there soon and the nurse replied no you need to be here faster than 10 min. this baby is coming. She got there in 6 min and they were rushing to get everything ready for the arrival of our sweet little Makenna.
I was ready when my midwife arrived to start pushing. My midwife was a great coach and Makenna was here within 5 pushes. She came out screaming and with lots and lots of dark curly hair at 10:24 am on 12.20.12! Everything I've ever wished for in a baby and never thought I'd have!
She had been feeding pretty good and we are starting to get a hang of things and she sleeps so good at night that I have to wake her to eat.. but I am not expecting it to stay this way. She is so darling and we can't get enough of her!!! She;s a happy healthy beautiful baby girl. We feel so blessed and loved.
The last 14 months have been the most trying, difficult, & depressing months of my life but Makenna has brought a special healing to our hearts and even though she is our everything right now we never forget her big little brother Logan who she is named after. I know he is up there smiling down on us and so happy our hearts and arms feel a little less empty this Christmas day.
I am unsure if I will continue to blog or not I have not decided. This blog has been a place for me to grieve and connect with other mothers that have gone through the same thing as I have. I am happy to say that those moms that I have gotten close to are also now enjoying their rainbow babies or have their rainbow baby on the way! If I continue to blog I will make it private. Please leave your email just in case if you'd like to continue to read our journey.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Goodbye and hello
On Christmas Eve this year it will be 14 months since I said goodbye to my angel Logan Jay. As I was thinking about that I realized I very well could have this little girl on Christmas eve and how sweet that would be to say hello to Logan's little sister exactly 14 months after I said goodbye to my little boy.
As I was driving to my 36 week appointment yesterday Logan and I had a special moment together. I was able to feel of his presence and the love he has for us and that everything will work out how it is supposed to. Both Jay D and I wish with all of our hearts that Logan could be here with us as we welcome his little sister into this world but than again I often wonder if we would be welcoming her into our world if he had stuck around. Heavenly Father's plan for us was defiantly a different plan than what Jay D and I have had in mind.
I still long for Logan and not a day passes by that I don't think of him and wonder what our lives would be like if he were here with us. I feel blessed to have felt his spirit with me so strongly a few times in these last 14 months. Those months have been hard. I have dealt with things the best way I have been able to and I learned a lot about myself and learned that I can not worry about what other people think because I can only do what is best for me and not try to make the rest of the world happy. My guard has been put up many times to protect myself. Some people have understood and others have avoided my troubles like the plague.
Well my induction date is set for January 2nd at 5:30 am unless she plans to arrive earlier which she very well could.. as long as she's healthy and can come home with us I would be very okay with her coming a couple weeks early... we can't wait to meet her. I can hardly stand waiting any longer. I know it is better for her to grow inside me but man oh man it feels like so far away. Where is the fast forward button when you need it? Hopefully the holidays help the time fly by and the sicknesses stay far far away!!!
I found the tiniest Christmas Tree at Wal-mart and had to get ti for Logan's grave.. it completely touched my heart.
All packed and ready for her arrival!!
Some wonderful women that have been my YW Leaders, friends through my mom helped throw me a beautiful shower! So many who have shown so much love and support in these last 14 months came and gave us wonderful things for baby girl! It was so fantastic! (Sorry pictures are kind of out of order because I upload from my phone and it won't let me switch)
About a year ago I signed up for this bear from Molly Bears. They are made by other angel mothers and the bears weigh the same as your angel baby. I was so happy to get this in the mail the other day! They do them completely off of donations so no one has to pay for their bear. It is such a sweet wonderful thing to honor her daughter and to bring a little peace to another mothers arms.
Ready to POP!!!
Monday, November 19, 2012
33 week thoughts
Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks pregnant with our little girl... her name will be Makenna Logan or Brynn Logan... we will have to wait and see what fits her best. I feel such a sweet bond between this little girl and her brother Logan I had to use his name with hers.. it just feels right to us.
Getting to 33 weeks has given me a different outlook. I feel I can actually get excited for her to come and that her coming home with us is a big possibility, however, after losing Logan there is always that thought in the back of my mind that something could go wrong. A lot of people don't understand this thought of mine because they haven't lost a baby but my world is different and will always be different from mothers who haven't lost a child.
I remember when I first found out I was pregnant I felt a whole lot of emotions. I felt relieved, excited, sad, frightened, and a lot others. I was relieved I didn't have to try any longer. I felt excited that I was able to get pregnant so soon. I was sad that Logan wasn't here with us to welcome a new sibling. I was frightened that my pregnancy wouldn't last and I would experience a new loss. Each week was a new milestone and each week came with new emotions.
I had just started a new job and had to work a long day for the hair show they put on and had to stay on my feet all day and I remember thinking all day I am going to miscarry because I am lifting and moving around and on my feet all day long. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting yet and my mind was racing. Finally I asked my husband that night after breaking down to give me a blessing of comfort. I felt an automatic feeling of peace that whatever was to happen was to happen and the lord would be there for me. I have mostly been able to stay calm throughout this pregnancy because of that blessing I received.
I can't believe that in 7 weeks or less we will have a new bundle of joy in our lives and we will finally have something exciting in our lives! Jay D said the other night we will never be bored again because we will have this little girl to entertain us! Than reality set in.. no more movies nights planned last minute and no more last minute outings but that is okay we have had almost 5 years of that and we are so looking forward to having a little family. I think Jay D is more ready than I am! I was more ready when I was pregnant with Logan and than after losing him I was filled with fear and thought am I ready enough to be a mother and have a child that depends 100% on me to care for them? I hope it all comes together when she is here but I sure hope I can do everything right to care for her. I do know I have a lot of love to give her.
Getting to 33 weeks has given me a different outlook. I feel I can actually get excited for her to come and that her coming home with us is a big possibility, however, after losing Logan there is always that thought in the back of my mind that something could go wrong. A lot of people don't understand this thought of mine because they haven't lost a baby but my world is different and will always be different from mothers who haven't lost a child.
I remember when I first found out I was pregnant I felt a whole lot of emotions. I felt relieved, excited, sad, frightened, and a lot others. I was relieved I didn't have to try any longer. I felt excited that I was able to get pregnant so soon. I was sad that Logan wasn't here with us to welcome a new sibling. I was frightened that my pregnancy wouldn't last and I would experience a new loss. Each week was a new milestone and each week came with new emotions.
I had just started a new job and had to work a long day for the hair show they put on and had to stay on my feet all day and I remember thinking all day I am going to miscarry because I am lifting and moving around and on my feet all day long. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting yet and my mind was racing. Finally I asked my husband that night after breaking down to give me a blessing of comfort. I felt an automatic feeling of peace that whatever was to happen was to happen and the lord would be there for me. I have mostly been able to stay calm throughout this pregnancy because of that blessing I received.
I can't believe that in 7 weeks or less we will have a new bundle of joy in our lives and we will finally have something exciting in our lives! Jay D said the other night we will never be bored again because we will have this little girl to entertain us! Than reality set in.. no more movies nights planned last minute and no more last minute outings but that is okay we have had almost 5 years of that and we are so looking forward to having a little family. I think Jay D is more ready than I am! I was more ready when I was pregnant with Logan and than after losing him I was filled with fear and thought am I ready enough to be a mother and have a child that depends 100% on me to care for them? I hope it all comes together when she is here but I sure hope I can do everything right to care for her. I do know I have a lot of love to give her.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
31 Weeks
Today I am 31 weeks pregnant. Wowza that seems so far along for me. I am amazed at modern day medicine and so grateful that with the help of modern day medicine I can be a mother to children here on earth because without it I probably wouldn't have that opportunity. I am grateful that if she came early from this point that her chances of survival are so much better.
This pregnancy has not been a piece of cake that is for sure. We have been given our ups and downs and it has made it very difficult for me to truly enjoy pregnancy. Honestly pregnancy now scares me and I am afraid I might not be able to have as many children as I had hoped because I may lose my sanity if I am pregnant too many more times and when I have children it will be even more difficult to be pregnant.
It has been difficult to let others do things for me that I used to be able to do so easily. Like laundry, going up & down the stairs, lifting boxes and my nieces and nephews, standing on my feet for long periods of time. I have had to give up things that I love and things that I never thought I would miss. I am so grateful for my mom, mother in law & Jay D who have been more than willing to help me out with the things I haven't been able to do because without them my house would be an even bigger mess than it is now and I wouldn't have any clean clothes to wear. I can't wait to be able to do my own laundry and cleaning & cooking again.. who knew?!
3 more weeks and the doctor said I can do a little bit more and move around more and I will take advantage of getting little sisters nursery completed and clothes washed and put away. Than who knows maybe she'll come early but hopefully not before 36 weeks pregnant but really not before 34 weeks.
We've had 4 hospital visits this pregnancy and it makes me so grateful that my husband has a job that provides great health insurance for us or we would be dead broke. The nurses have been really nice to me and told me to always come up when I am uncertain due to my previous pregnancy. After my third visit I was really hoping to have no more visits to the hospital and that they told me if I was bleeding I was most likely dilating or to come if I was having consistent contractions. Well Saturday night I started to bleed and we rushed to the hospital and I thought great I am going to have this baby and its still to early to avoid the NICU experience again. I just want a healthy normal baby. Luckily I wasn't dilating and we have no idea what caused me to bleed. I felt so blessed that everything was okay but annoyed that I had to go to the hospital again and spend the night for the 3rd time! Poor Jay D has been a trooper and has slept on a recliner 3 times... hopefully the next time will be when we deliver our sweet angel and we get one of the nice big delivery rooms that has a bed for the dads.
We have felt the many prayers that have been sent our way and the love from so many of you and we feel so blessed to have many people praying for us.
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