She's Here!

Our sweet rainbow baby is here safe and sound and we couldn't be happier! She has been such a delight.. besides the lack of sleep these past 4 days have been the happiest days of our lives! We can not get enough of her and we are constantly fighting over who gets to hold her next! Well we don't really fight but lets just say she is hardly ever out of our arms.

The first night home was nerve racking for both of us because we didn't want anything to happen. I was so tired I needed sleep but daddy basically stayed up all night watching her. Finally my sister suggested rolling some towels to lay beside her so she wouldn't wiggle around in the bassinet and we all got a little more sleep last night. I actually have to wake her up to feed her. She only woke up once but I am sure that will change. She has a little jaundice which can cause the baby to be more sleepy but to get rid of the jaundice we need her to eat good.

My Birth Story

This was the most amazing experience of my life. I feel like so many make labor more worked up than it needs to be but I understand every one's experiences are different and mine just happened to be amazing.

On December 19th I got my cerclage out that was keeping my cervix from dilating. I had worried about getting this out because when they put it in I was put under so I was unsure of how painful it might be. It hardly even hurt I had worried so much and it was just a pinch and it was over. My midwife checked me after I got it taken out and I was immediately dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. WOW the stitch sure did its job. I had talked to other people who had the stitch and they all had gone at least a week before they went into labor. Makenna was defiantly a early Christmas surprise.

After the stitch came out I immediately started having some Braxton Hicks contractions that were closer together but not consistent. We had planned to go to Christmas Village with our friends and see all the lights but decided since I was already so far dilated and effaced that we best try to keep her in just a little longer since she would still be 3 weeks early.  I kept contracting off and on but with my history I was nervous that I would dilate without having major contractions so my midwife said she would meet us to check me again to give us all a peace of mind. We met her at 8 pm and I hadn't changed so we figured okay we can go home and relax.

We went to bed around 9:30 just in case so we could get a last good nights rest if she did decide to make her big debut. I woke up around 1 am having some painful menstrual like cramping along with contractions. I started timing them and they were sometimes 3 min apart but sometimes 10 minutes apart so I made some toast and drank some water and tried to fall back asleep. After about two hours they calmed down and I fell back asleep on the couch. I woke up at 5 to another painful cramp but I had heard that cramping was not a contraction so I moved back into our bedroom and fell back asleep until about 6 am. I woke up to another contraction and started having more close together. They were the most painful cramps I had ever felt but I could still ease my way through them so I was still unsure if I should go into the hospital or not but I remembered that every ones contractions are different and this could be the way my body contracted and I couldn't compare my labor to someone else's since I have an insufficient cervix.

I woke up Jay D who had been sleeping peacefully all through the night having no idea what was going on letting him know we best be on our way to the hospital just in case. My contractions were a consistent 3-4 minutes apart. When we got there they took a while to get us back into a room to be checked. I almost think they didn't believe me but were still really nice. Finally around 7 am they checked me and I had dilated to a 4 1/2 and was still 90% effaced. WOW I was almost surprised since I questioned if I was in actual labor. Boy am I glad they kept me.

They moved me into the labor & delivery room  and around 8 I got my epidural (I probably could have gone natural but I figured we had a long day ahead and I wanted to enjoy my time with relaxing and sleep) I was way tired once the epidural started working so I closed my eyes.

At about 9 the nurse came in to put in my catheter and check my progress again. She asked what I thought I was dilated to and I said a 6? She said close you're at a 7 plus..um WHAT?????? I was shocked it was going by so fast and I wasn't even on pitocin. My body was doing this all on its own I was amazed and so grateful for modern day medicine because all of this confirmed that I really did have an insufficient cervix. Not even 20 min. later I felt a lot of pressure and I told the nurse. She checked me again and I was at a 9 almost fully dilated. She immediately called my midwife and said you need to get over here. My midwife said she'd be there soon and the nurse replied no you need to be here faster than 10 min. this baby is coming. She got there in 6 min and they were rushing to get everything ready for the arrival of our sweet little Makenna.

I was ready when my midwife arrived to start pushing. My midwife was a great coach and Makenna was here within 5 pushes. She came out screaming  and with lots and lots of dark curly hair at 10:24 am on 12.20.12! Everything I've ever wished for in a baby and never thought I'd have!

She had been feeding pretty good and we are starting to get a hang of things and she sleeps so good at night that I have to wake her to eat.. but I am not expecting it to stay this way. She is so darling and we can't get enough of her!!! She;s a happy healthy beautiful baby girl. We feel so blessed and loved.

The last 14 months have been the most trying, difficult, & depressing months of my life but Makenna has brought a special healing to our hearts and even though she is our everything right now we never forget her big little brother Logan who she is named after. I know he is up there smiling down on us and so happy our hearts and arms feel a little less empty this Christmas day.

I am unsure if I will continue to blog or not I have not decided. This blog has been a place for me to grieve and connect with other mothers that have gone through the same thing as I have. I am happy to say that those moms that I have gotten close to are also now enjoying their rainbow babies or have their rainbow baby on the way! If I continue to blog I will make it private. Please leave your email just in case if you'd like to continue to read our journey.

Goodbye and hello

 

On Christmas Eve this year it will be 14 months since I said goodbye to my angel Logan Jay. As I was thinking about that I realized I very well could have this little girl on Christmas eve and how sweet that would be to say hello to Logan's little sister exactly 14 months after I said goodbye to my little boy.

As I was driving to my 36 week appointment yesterday Logan and I had a special moment together. I was able to feel of his presence and the love he has for us and that everything will work out how it is supposed to. Both Jay D and I wish with all of our hearts that Logan could be here with us as we welcome his little sister into this world but than again I often wonder if we would be welcoming her into our world if he had stuck around. Heavenly Father's plan for us was defiantly a different plan than what Jay D and I have had in mind.

I still long for Logan and not a day passes by that I don't think of him and wonder what our lives would be like if he were here with us. I feel blessed to have felt his spirit with me so strongly a few times in these last 14 months. Those months have been hard. I have dealt with things the best way I have been able to and I learned a lot about myself and learned that I can not worry about what other people think because I can only do what is best for me and not try to make the rest of the world happy. My guard has been put up many times to protect myself. Some people have understood and others have avoided my troubles like the plague.

 

Well my induction date is set for January 2nd at 5:30 am unless she plans to arrive earlier which she very well could.. as long as she's healthy and can come home with us I would be very okay with her coming a couple weeks early... we can't wait to meet her. I can hardly stand waiting any longer. I know it is better for her to grow inside me but man oh man it feels like so far away. Where is the fast forward button when you need it? Hopefully the holidays help the time fly by and the sicknesses stay far far away!!!

 

 

 

I found the tiniest Christmas Tree at Wal-mart and had to get ti for Logan's grave.. it completely touched my heart.

 

 

All packed and ready for her arrival!!

 

Some wonderful women that have been my YW Leaders, friends through my mom helped throw me a beautiful shower! So many who have shown so much love and support in these last 14 months came and gave us wonderful things for baby girl! It was so fantastic! (Sorry pictures are kind of out of order because I upload from my phone and it won't let me switch)

 

 

About a year ago I signed up for this bear from Molly Bears. They are made by other angel mothers and the bears weigh the same as your angel baby. I was so happy to get this in the mail the other day! They do them completely off of donations so no one has to pay for their bear. It is such a sweet wonderful thing to honor her daughter and to bring a little peace to another mothers arms.

 

Ready to POP!!!

33 week thoughts

Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks pregnant with our little girl... her name will be Makenna Logan or Brynn Logan... we will have to wait and see what fits her best. I feel such a sweet bond between this little girl and her brother Logan I had to use his name with hers.. it just feels right to us.

Getting to 33 weeks has given me a different outlook. I feel I can actually get excited for her to come and that her coming home with us is a big possibility, however, after losing Logan there is always that thought in the back of my mind that something could go wrong. A lot of people don't understand this thought of mine because they haven't lost a baby but my world is different and will always be different from mothers who haven't lost a child.

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant I felt a whole lot of emotions. I felt relieved, excited, sad, frightened, and a lot others. I was relieved I didn't have to try any longer. I felt excited that I was able to get pregnant so soon. I was sad that Logan wasn't here with us to welcome a new sibling. I was frightened that my pregnancy wouldn't last and I would experience a new loss. Each week was a new milestone and each week came with new emotions.

I had just started a new job and had to work a long day for the hair show they put on and had to stay on my feet all day and I remember thinking all day I am going to miscarry because I am lifting and moving around and on my feet all day long. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting yet and my mind was racing. Finally I asked my husband that night after breaking down to give me a blessing of comfort. I felt an automatic feeling of peace that whatever was to happen was to happen and the lord would be there for me. I have mostly been able to stay calm throughout this pregnancy because of that blessing I received.

I can't believe that in 7 weeks or less we will have a new bundle of joy in our lives and we will finally have something exciting in our lives! Jay D said the other night we will never be bored again because we will have this little girl to entertain us! Than reality set in.. no more movies nights planned last minute and no more last minute outings but that is okay we have had almost 5 years of that and we are so looking forward to having a little family. I think Jay D is more ready than I am! I was more ready when I was pregnant with Logan and than after losing him I was filled with fear and thought am I ready enough to be a mother and have a child that depends 100% on me to care for them? I hope it all comes together when she is here but I sure hope I can do everything right to care for her. I do know I have a lot of love to give her.

31 Weeks

Today I am 31 weeks pregnant. Wowza that seems so far along for me. I am amazed at modern day medicine and so grateful that  with the help of modern day medicine I can be a mother to children here on earth because without it I probably wouldn't have that opportunity. I am grateful that if she came early from this point that her chances of survival are so much better.

 

This pregnancy has not been a piece of cake that is for sure. We have been given our ups and downs and it has made it very difficult for me to truly enjoy pregnancy. Honestly pregnancy now scares me and I am afraid I might not be able to have as many children as I had hoped because I may lose my sanity if I am pregnant too many more times and when I have children it will be even more difficult to be pregnant.  

 

It has been difficult to let others do things for me that I used to be able to do so easily. Like laundry, going up & down the stairs, lifting boxes and my nieces and nephews, standing on my feet for long periods of time. I have had to give up things that I love and things that I never thought I would miss. I am so grateful for my mom, mother in law & Jay D who have been more than willing to help me out with the things I haven't been able to do because without them my house would be an even bigger mess than it is now and I wouldn't have any clean clothes to wear. I can't wait to be able to do my own laundry and cleaning & cooking again.. who knew?!

 

3 more weeks and the doctor said I can do a little bit more and move around more and I will take advantage of getting little sisters nursery completed and clothes washed and put away. Than who knows maybe she'll come early but hopefully not before 36 weeks pregnant but really not before 34 weeks.

 

We've had 4 hospital visits this pregnancy and it makes me so grateful that my husband has a job that provides great health insurance for us or we would be dead broke. The nurses have been really nice to me and told me to always come up when I am uncertain due to my previous pregnancy. After my third visit I was really hoping to have no more visits to the hospital and that they told me if I was bleeding I was most likely dilating or to come if I was having consistent contractions. Well Saturday night I started to bleed and we rushed to the hospital and I thought great I am going to have this baby and its still to early to avoid the NICU experience again. I just want a healthy normal baby. Luckily I wasn't dilating and we have no idea what caused me to bleed. I felt so blessed that everything was okay but annoyed that I had to go to the hospital again and spend the night for the 3rd time! Poor Jay D has been a trooper and has slept on a recliner 3 times... hopefully the next time will be when we deliver our sweet angel and we get one of the nice big delivery rooms that has a bed for the dads.

 

We have felt the many prayers that have been sent our way and the love from so many of you and we feel so blessed to have many people praying for us.

I had a Dream

I had a dream Logan and that dream was you. Today I dream about the day we can be together again.

 

 

As I was driving home from my moms tonight I put on my Pandora radio and I heard this song. For some reason it touched my heart and made me think of the dream I had as a little girl to be a mom and raise a family. I had a dream to have children. I had a dream that I could be the best I could be. Now I dream of what it will be like to see Logan again for the first time and hold him in my arms.

Happy Birthday Logan

Today we celebrate and mourn Logan's first birthday. Not exactly how I planned on celebrating my first Born's birthday. I had always imagined a birthday celebration with first cake being eaten by our little one and new toys to be played with and laughter and smiles being shared among our loved ones. Instead we will visit his grave, release balloons and celebrate his short life with cake and ice cream with Logan's cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents

As I reflect on this past year I think of how many different emotions I have had to overcome. I have had to try and find myself again. I have learned how to be more compassionate towards others. I have had to be okay with the idea that some people may not want to be around me anymore because it was too awkward for them. I have made new friends with Mommy's who have been through a loss and I have disconnected with other friends who have been in my life for a while. I have watched people judge my actions or question my grief. Many people want you to move on because they have but I will never be able to move on from the loss of Logan. It has and will continue to get easier but I am learning to endure the heartache I feel of not having my little boy here with me.  He has impacted my life in many ways and I want that known to the world. I want to impact people that the loss of an infant is just as hard as losing any loved one if not harder. Harder in meaning that I only had 5 days with him. I don't have pictures of him growing up. I never got to see him smile or learn to walk and talk. These are all things I had planned on.  I love Logan just as much as I will love the children I will raise here on earth so why should he be forgotten.

I have felt the bitterness and the sweet through this past year. I have watched as people have served Jay D and I through love and compassion but I have also felt bitter that I had to go through this. I read another angel mothers blog and something she said struck me. She said that people always say (which they do to me all the time) I could never do that you are so strong and she said she also never thought she could do this but she has and that means you could too. Honestly what other choice do I have but to be strong and honor Logan's life.

Logan has given me a strength I never knew I had and I love him for that. I look forward to next year when we can celebrate your birthday with baby sister. We love you Logan and miss you those are two things I just can not say enough of! Happy Birthday sweet boy!

 



 

 

My boys

 

 

 

 

 

 

28 weeks & Shower

 

My sweet sister Sheena wanted to throw me a shower the week of Logan's Birthday so I would have something to look forward to instead of only having heartbreak that my little boy isn't here to celebrate his 1st birthday with us.

We were SO spoiled and the shower was so cute and so much fun and a perfect way to give me something to look forward to!

 

The theme was "Ready to POP"

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for "POPing" by favors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"POPpyseed" Salad, Cake "POPs" Along with "POPular" foods

and the cross stitch my mom made me when she was pregnant with me and my baby picture for decoration and of course balloons that were "Ready to POP"

 

Now we were spoiled with so many wonderful gifts from blankets to a highchair with medicine to bath supplies that I feel so much more ready than I did before. I am so grateful we got so many things that I will need as a new mom because I would never know where to begin with medicines and creams for baby girl. People were so generous and giving.

 

My friend Anna made us the sweetest "Little Sister" onesie for her to wear in the hospital with a little "L" for Logan on the back. I may or may not have cried when I saw this. She makes so many cute onesies you should check out her etsy website here

 

And I thought I was big at 24 weeks!

 

 

Thanks to my sisters and mom the Shower was a huge success and turned out so darling! We had it with my side of the family and the girls I work with at the salon and some of my clients! We can't thank everyone enough we were so spoiled! Can't wait to meet this little girl =-) We love her so much already!

 

6.5 months already!

Wow! 6.5 months along already in this pregnancy. It seems so surreal. I remember finding out when I was first pregnant with her and this point in my pregnancy seemed so far away and untouchable.  It was hard for my mind to believe that I could get past 6  months in pregnancy and I believed that I would possibly have another pre-term baby. I remember thinking how will I deal with a NICU baby or loss and Logan's birthday without falling apart?  My hopes and dreams are starting to become more within reach. 

The thought that I can have a normal delivery where I get to hold my baby right after is right in front of me. The possibility to start nursing my baby is within reach. I can do this and I deserve it. 

It has been a very rough year with many ups and downs but I deserve to get excited and celebrate my pregnancy the way I want to celebrate it. I think today I will celebrate with some froyo from spoon me! 

Every week, day, minute that passes by is a huge blessing to Jay D and I! We are SO ready to be parents to this baby girl that our patience is running out but I think we can be patient a couple more months! 

Some highlights

*I will be 38 weeks prego on Christmas Day... maybe a Christmas baby? maybe not? who knows

*She will be the best birthday gift that I have ever received in my life and I am willing to share my birthday with her! 

*I think I have officially felt her have the hiccups

*I feel the love of Logan often and know he is watching over his baby sister.

*only about 12-14 more weeks till we get to meet her and we are so excited to bring her into our little family! 

24

24 twenty-four

 

This number has been a number I have HATED.

 

I had Logan at 24 weeks. He died on the 24th. I was really sick on my 24th birthday. When I would hear 24 I would cringe. I was afraid to ask how far along girls were because I was afraid they would say 24 weeks all nice and perky. I was jealous, envious, sad that I hadn't been able to say 24 weeks nice and perky. Instead it was I hope I can get to 30 weeks for about a day. 24 weeks is such a milestone in a pregnancy. It is more than half-way. It is 6 months along. There is a light at the end of the tunnel... my tunnel turned dark.

 

Well today 24 has a different meaning to me. I feel relief. I feel excitement. I feel hope.

 

Today I am 24 weeks 6 months along in my pregnancy and I am NOT in the hospital. I did not wake up to blood or fear...okay maybe just a little fear but that's to be expected.

 

Some highlights from this pregnancy are:

 

Between 6-14 weeks I was nauseous but never threw up but sometimes wish I would have.

I was tired and had no motivation to go anywhere and was just satisfied staying at home.

 

I got my cerclage placed at 15 weeks and the surgery went smoothly with no complications.

 

Until about 19 weeks nothing sounded good except Mexican. I wouldn't call it a craving but it was usually the only thing that sounded good to eat. I lived off of eggs & cottage cheese for weeks because sweets were disgusting and eggs & cottage cheese were full of protein.

 

I craved fruit especially raspberries the first trimester.

 

19 weeks on I started eating normal again and I put on the pounds...eek because my sweet tooth cravings suddenly came back.  I've only gained 15 pounds total so far.. hopefully that is okay. I had never seen the scale that high.

 

I actually got my glucose drink for my next apt on the 11th.. never have gotten that far into my pregnancy. I am looking forward to 25 weeks and so on. I feel like I can get through this.

 

Little girl loves to move around at night.

 

People always are asking if we have a name picked out. If you asked my husband he would probably say yes.. but if you ask me I am still waiting for another name to pop out but her middle name will for sure be Logan.

 

Only 16 weeks left.. but 15 would be okay too! I can't wait to meet her and hold her and love her!!! Let the baby girl shopping planning begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

22 Weeks so far

I am on my way to 23 weeks along..almost 6 months where my life changed so dramatically with Logan. If I can get to 25 weeks in the pregnancy I will feel as though I have hit a HUGE milestone. I have worked really hard to remain calm during this pregnancy with little sister but there have been days that have been harder than others. After going through what I did with Logan I assumed maybe things would go more smoothly and I wouldn't have too many scares but we have ran into a few bumps in the road a long the way. If you read my blog leave a comment.. I like knowing who I am sharing my raw feelings with. ha ha

 

I haven't talked much about the "bumps" in this pregnancy outside of my trust circle a.k.a parents and hubby because people seem to judge quickly. Now that I have walked over these bumps I would like to share them for the sake of keeping the details of this pregnancy for us to come back on and see what we have gone though and conquered together as a family. I often feel as though my faith and testimony is being tested and that I am an easy target for Satan because he can destroy my thoughts and confidence that I used to have in myself.

 

Other than going through the miscarriage stage of pregnancy and always worried that I could lose this little one early on things in the first trimester started out really good. Once the 2nd trimester started things started to get a lot harder for me.

 

Finding out the sex of your baby is such an exciting time for new parents. You can start planning your nursery theme and you can start picking out names for that gender specific. This time was a little different for me. Of course I didn't care what we were having I just want to bring this little girl home with me but part of me was so set on having a boy that I felt like I was grieving not getting my boy once again. I didn't have many boy things but I had Logan's bedding and some cute boy outfits already. My family has had only girls in the last 9 years and Logan was the first boy since my sisters twin boys... they are surrounded with all girl cousins. So having a boy again in the family was almost new to us. It was fun to pick out boy fabric and boy clothes for a little change. Don't get me wrong looking at girl things has been really fun and exciting but I missed out on the boy side of things so I had to conquer a new set of mind of planning on a little girl.

 

I'm not saying I won't one day have a boy, maybe I will and maybe I won't but just the thought that I had always wanted a boy first and a girl second turned out to be a little different than I had planned out in my mind. Logan would be watching out for his little sister in a different kind of way. It took me a little while to completely get excited for a girl but I was relieved that she was healthy and growing good.

 

After moving on from that moment of acceptance we were on our way to our next heartache and worry. I had an appointment with the Parinatologist at 18 weeks and I didn't know we would be getting a target ultrasound so that was a nice little surprise. Everything was looking good so far but in my mind I was so worried something would be wrong. When the Doctor came in he explained that their was a cyst on her brain that has been connected with down syndrome but was not always the case. He wanted to go over the u/s and double check everything because their are signs that are related to down syndrome. My heart dropped. Not that I would love her any less but I wondered if I could take on this new challenge. After looking over everything he said I wouldn't be worried because one sign is clenched fists and during the u/s she waved right at us with all fingers straight out. I cried a lot that day even though it was something that could go away but just the thought that something could be wrong worried me. My test results on the down syndrome test had come back negative and the other signs all looked good during the u/s. I found out at my last appt. that it had gone away and we no longer need to worry.

 

Here she is waving at us during her u/s

 

Jay D got his Degree...with our last name spelled wrong.. to be expected!

 

 

This is the fabric for baby girl's bedding... LOVE!

 

And here is the quilt I have been working on for her bedding.. so cute! can't wait until it is all finished

 

This last photo leads to our next scare during the pregnancy. Last Friday I woke up having a lot of contractions. I was so scared. Jay D had already left to work so I had my mom come up to labor and delivery with me. I was not going to sit around and second guess myself and wonder if I was doing the right things.

I had a bladder infection which I guess can cause an increase of contractions. They gave me some meds to help stop the contractions and I hung out till later that afternoon for a peace of mind. My nurse was fantastic and so nice. I was put on bed rest over labor day weekend until my appt. with the pari on Tuesday. I was so grateful for my sweet husband who took such good care of me and never complained the entire weekend as I continuously asked for more water, food and extra hugs. His parents and brother were also extremely helpful and brought us dinner and lunch over the weekend. It was nice to have a few visitors as it got boring laying in bed watching TV all weekend really fast.

 

At my appointment with the Pari everything looked good and he told me I did exactly the right thing and that I should always go up to L&D whenever I start to have contractions. He'd rather me cry wolf than be unsure. I was relieved because I get the impression some people think I am annoying and over paranoid. Well I am going to be because I want this baby more than anything in this world.

 

I look a little dumb in the picture but it explains our experience. =-) lol

 

We feel ever so grateful for the prayers from others and great family and friends. These pregnancies have been a traumatic experience in my life and I am so grateful for modern day medicine. I just might not have as many kids as I had hoped for  to keep my sanity!

Growing growing growing

Well my belly has grown a bit :)

10 month thoughts

I wrote this today as I was pondering my feelings. I thought I would share how I feel at this point of my grieving. I write on here because I need a place I can share my thoughts and feelings of my heartache.

Some people may get annoyed of my heartache for my son or they are unsure of how to talk about what happened to our little boy. That is okay I understand it is difficult to know if you're saying the right thing but know I am not afraid to hear his name or share his story or talk about how much I miss him.

In my eyes it is no different than new mothers sharing adorable photos of their beautiful new babies or sharing all of the new things they are learning. I look forward to that day with baby girl but for now I need to share my son and I need to know people care and they do oh how I know they do but I hate how it feels like birds are chirping in the background when I bring up his name or mention I do have a child his name is Logan and he only lived 5 days.

Why are we afraid to talk of loved ones who have passed on. I know his days were few and I was only able to create a few memories with him but oh how I cherish them and need to share them just like a new mother wants to share her stories.

Time Flies..19 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks along with this sweet little girl. This morning I felt her moving the most I have felt her move so far. It is such a relief feeling her move around and knowing that she is having the time of her life and growing.

Last time when I was 19 weeks along we had just purchased our crib and stroller and were so excited to be in the "safe zone". The next step was getting his bedding made and getting the the fun part.. SHOWERS. Oh how I was so excited to celebrate Logan and our first little boy coming into this world with the people we love and would get to share our sweet boy with.. but the lord had another plan for us.

 Five short weeks later the biggest shock happened and I delivered our sweet little boy Logan. I remember feeling so calm and at peace during all the crazy scary stuff because I knew everything would work out the way it was supposed too. Than the days got hard really hard. I felt so lost in the world. My nightmare had actually come true. I was devastated and heartbroken. I got by knowing I'd be with him again but that hasn't taken my heartache away or the need to hold him and getting to know him in this life.

I wasn't sure what laid ahead for us. I had tried for 20 months to get pregnant with Logan and I did NOT want to go through that again. Just the thought of trying month after month gave me anxiety. I knew of a lot of people trying for their second child and I still had yet felt the joy of First experiences. Like bringing a brand new baby home from the hospital, and holding my baby right after they were born. Logan was instantly taken to the NICU and I didn't get to see him for about 3 more hours.

As these next two months approach I have a lot of fear and anxiety. My 24 week mark is only 5 weeks away.. Logan's first birthday is in about 10 weeks. Can I do this?

As you read this you probably think I don't care about this little girl as much as Logan. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want Logan SO bad but I do want this little girl just as much! I love her so much already but I miss my little boy too. It is hard to grasp that if Logan had been born when he was supposed to be than I wouldn't be having this little girl. I mean I guess I could but that would mean one busy mama.

I just want to get to December and these next few months fly by so I know that I am in more of a "safe zone" for her.

Little Girl

I love you so much!

I can't wait to hold you in my arms for the first time

I look forward to bringing you home and waking up in the middle of the night to feed you.

I can't wait to watch you grow, laugh and learn.

Little girl please come home with me.. help heal my heart.

I feel your big brothers love for you and the special bond you two have.

He will always be talked about in our home and how he made it possible for you to come to us!

18.5 weeks along. I think I am bigger this time around but I am okay with that.. I want to see what I look like fully pregnant this time!



17 Weeks

17 weeks already? Wow! I am so glad to be to this point but also just want to fast forward the next 5 months. I just want her here in my arms nice and chubby and bring her home with us. I love her so much already.

Compared to my pregnancy with Logan I feel like I am 10 times more worried and anxious of things happening. I am trying so hard to stay calm. I don't want my anxiety to hurt baby girl. I am just so grateful for my care providers who care for me and want her here just as much as we do.

This past week has probably been my most emotional week during this pregnancy. Finding out the sex of the baby has made things more real for us and I want to plan out her life than there is the side of me thinking well I might just have to plan another funeral. That is what I mean when I talk about wanting a "normal" pregnancy. Not having to worry about if I will plan a funeral more than planning out things I will do with her. I understand most mothers worry about something happening to their baby's while they are pregnant but I think it is a little different when you have already lost a baby.

It is like riding a roller coaster. One minute I am planning what we are going to do together and the next I am pulling myself away from going that far. So I want this pregnancy to FLY by so I can be a mommy finally and bring her home and love her so much with hugs and kisses. I just want to hold my very own baby. I am done holding everyone else's. I mean they are cute but they aren't my babies. I want my baby that wants me over everyone else. So if I don't ask to hold your baby don't be offended my arms are waiting for my little girl. I hope you understand.

15 Weeks



Her tiny footprint

5 weeks



4 Wonderful Years!

I have been wanting to do a fun post lately and thought that I would save it for our 4 year Anniversary and document all of the wonderful things we have been able to do together and start together. Here it goes:

July 16th, 2008 We were sealed for Time & all Eternity in the Ogden LDS Temple 

Spent our Honeymoon in Orlando, FL at Disney World! I want to go back SO bad! Although it was hot and we were sweaty it was so much fun! 

6 months later my sister found an unbelievable deal on airfare to Orlando again...so we took off to Disney World again because it was SO cheap... we couldn't resist and I have NO regrets of going twice in one year. 

We've gone to Bear Lake a ton in between these times. 

We bought our First Home! (You should see it now this is right after we bought it)

We went to Las Vegas to a Hair Show with some great friends of ours! First time I was allowed to Gamble.

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We went to Mexico for our first time with my parents and sister Sheena and her Hubby Nick. 

In September we headed on the long wide open road to DISNEYLAND with Jay D's Family and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel and it was so much fun! 

In 2011 last minute we decided to go to Hawaii for 10 wonderful best decision we ever made days with my parents and again my sister and her family! 

In 2011 last minute we decided to go to Hawaii for 10 wonderful best decision we ever made days with my parents and again my sister and her family! 

End of May of 2011 we found out that we were expecting our first baby! 

It's a Boy! 

October 19th, 2011 our lives changed forever and we were surprised with an early arrival of our sweet little boy Logan who made us a mom and dad. He was with us shortly and has changed our lives forever! 

May 2012 we found out we we're expecting baby #2 15 weeks along now! 

Jay D and I have been able to make a lot of memories together and travel a ton. These last 4 years have been the absolute best with a little worst in there... but thanks to this wonderful guy I have in my life I still have a smile on my face and I am still chugging along. Jay D you are my best friend and I love you so much! Thank you for being the perfect dad for our perfect little boy Logan and soon to be another little one that we will bring home with us this time. =-)