Happy Birthday Logan

Today we celebrate and mourn Logan's first birthday. Not exactly how I planned on celebrating my first Born's birthday. I had always imagined a birthday celebration with first cake being eaten by our little one and new toys to be played with and laughter and smiles being shared among our loved ones. Instead we will visit his grave, release balloons and celebrate his short life with cake and ice cream with Logan's cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents

As I reflect on this past year I think of how many different emotions I have had to overcome. I have had to try and find myself again. I have learned how to be more compassionate towards others. I have had to be okay with the idea that some people may not want to be around me anymore because it was too awkward for them. I have made new friends with Mommy's who have been through a loss and I have disconnected with other friends who have been in my life for a while. I have watched people judge my actions or question my grief. Many people want you to move on because they have but I will never be able to move on from the loss of Logan. It has and will continue to get easier but I am learning to endure the heartache I feel of not having my little boy here with me.  He has impacted my life in many ways and I want that known to the world. I want to impact people that the loss of an infant is just as hard as losing any loved one if not harder. Harder in meaning that I only had 5 days with him. I don't have pictures of him growing up. I never got to see him smile or learn to walk and talk. These are all things I had planned on.  I love Logan just as much as I will love the children I will raise here on earth so why should he be forgotten.

I have felt the bitterness and the sweet through this past year. I have watched as people have served Jay D and I through love and compassion but I have also felt bitter that I had to go through this. I read another angel mothers blog and something she said struck me. She said that people always say (which they do to me all the time) I could never do that you are so strong and she said she also never thought she could do this but she has and that means you could too. Honestly what other choice do I have but to be strong and honor Logan's life.

Logan has given me a strength I never knew I had and I love him for that. I look forward to next year when we can celebrate your birthday with baby sister. We love you Logan and miss you those are two things I just can not say enough of! Happy Birthday sweet boy!

 



 

 

My boys