Savior

Matthew 7:7

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

3 Nephi 9:14

Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him I will receive; and blessed are those who come unto me. 

I came upon this picture on Pinterest. It automatically made me think of the Savior and what he means to me. This picture is so loving, compassionate & accepting. To me it is as though he is reaching out to me saying Lauren, I am here for you whenever you need me and I understand the heartache you are feeling. 

Having the knowledge that he feels all the heartache I feel and everyone else's around me amazes me because there are many times I can barely deal with the pain I am suffering. He takes time to focus on me by feeling my heart with love and courage. 

Logan has forever changed my outlook on life. He will always hold the nearest and deepest place in my heart. I can feel him with me and I know he is watching over me and his daddy. 

There are times I am so upset about what has happened and I am crying so hard and feel so alone that I just pray in my heart that someone will come cry with me. Someone who will understand and just be sad with me than I remember that our Savior is there with me and crying with me. He is always there for me. Through the good and the bad times he will never leave me alone. 

I have two choices. I can let my heartache make me weak or I can make the best out of all of this sad, heartbreaking situation and let it make me stronger. Stronger all around, stronger in what I believe, stronger mother, stronger wife, stronger friend, stronger sister, stronger in myself. 

Healing

Healing, Grieving, figuring my emotions out has been difficult. It has been up & down and all around. Writing on here has been the best thing for me because I can write them down and try to figure this thing out.

Losing Logan has been the most difficult challenge I have ever gone through. I feel like after losing him I have to start from square one. I want a baby SO bad but I also don't want one right away because I feel like I need to grieve the loss of Logan first, however, I also feel when I finally have a baby in my arms I will feel relief.

I write a lot of things on here within the heat of the moment. Some things just feel better written out and I have probably said things I don't really mean or feel. Figuring all this out has been hard on me and this is the best way for me to figure it out. I don't completely feel comfortable talking about it to people face to face because they may not want to hear about it and I don't want to put anyone out with my problems.

A lot of different things have happened since the loss of Logan that has also added fear, heartache, anxiety in my life. It is difficult for me to handle all of it. I am trying to be accepting, handle those problems, be supportive but there are times I just can't handle it anymore.

I'm taking it day by day trying to figure this grieving thing out. I am debated back and forth about going private because I feel like some people read my blog because they think I am crazy but that is not the purpose of my blog. I have decided to keep it open because I hope it can help other grieving mothers, whether it thru infertility or the loss of a child. So those of you that read it because I'm a crazy person bare with me..I'm not crazy lol just figuring it all out!

A lot of things I have dreaded in my life has happened to me. I never thought I would be one of the women who would struggle to get pregnant and than lose that child. I never thought I would have to go through what I have gone through.

 Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong but why? Why do they see me as strong? I don't feel strong. I just want to fall down on my knees and change what has happened to us. I don't want to ache to hold Logan in my arms anymore, I just want him in my arms. I want the crying and the heartache to go away. I don't want to start crying every time I see a mother with a newborn in a car seat or feeding them and think to myself that would be my world right now. I really just want him to be here with me and instead of writing sad poor me posts be writing cute baby posts of him. I might look strong on the outside but on the inside I am screaming and falling apart. 

I want everyone to still talk to me like I am me but also acknowledge that I just had Logan and treat me as though you would if he was here. Tell me how cute he was and that you miss him too. Those are the things I need to hear as his mother that has no child here on earth. I hate when I am somewhere and I am surrounded by people who know what happened and don't mention anything about Logan. I don't know why it bothers me but it does but I do know if he was still here with me everyone would be talking about him so why does that have to change. 

Maybe I feel this way because he was my first baby. Maybe I feel this way because I have yet to truly experience the real beauty of motherhood and I don't feel like I am a mom because I don't have Logan here with me.  My days of acting as a mother consisted of going back and forth to the NICU to basically only touch, sing, talk to my baby and pump milk. I felt worthless and frustrated I couldn't do more for him as his mother. I was the one who was supposed to provide for him and take care of him but I felt useless. He needed me and I needed him. I hated leaving the NICU and I hated going to the NICU. It was so wonderful being with him and talking to him and see him move but is was exhausting and frustrating. 

My world was complete the day I found out I was pregnant with Logan but my world fell apart the day he passed away. I am trying really hard to pick up the pieces. I feel peace and comfort but I also feel anger and rage. I feel gratitude that he is safe but I also feel sadness I can't see him every day and watch him grow in this life. I have empty arms but I have a full heart of love for this little boy. 

Today

Today is the day I anticipated for so many months than that day turned into Oct 19th 3 months too early. 

I remember thinking February 7th is so far away I can't wait that long and now it is here and now it is just another day but it used to be my due date. These past couple weeks have been especially hard bringing a lot of tears, a lot of anxiety, a lot of anger and why me's? 

I had a few friends that were all due within a couple weeks of me and they have all now delivered their beautiful healthy babies. I am so happy for them but I can't help but be sad for myself knowing that I could be in their shoes taking care of Logan and rocking him and kissing him and sharing him with all my friends and family. 

I am so grateful for my friend Breanne who was more than happy to make a sad day into a exciting fun day! We are going to go get pedicures and go eat at the Cheesecake factory and shop at H&M. I am so glad that I have so many wonderful friends who have offered to go to lunch with me or spend the day with me. I feel truly blessed with wonderful friends who have been so supportive and willing to listen to my venting and sadness. 

Just Because!

Isn't he cute?! I miss this little guy so much. . I love you Logan with all my heart and can't wait to hold you in my arms again. 

Please send us a brother or sister really really soon so mommy & daddy 

can have something to look forward too! 

Thanks!