A lot of things I have dreaded in my life has happened to me. I never thought I would be one of the women who would struggle to get pregnant and than lose that child. I never thought I would have to go through what I have gone through.
Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong but why? Why do they see me as strong? I don't feel strong. I just want to fall down on my knees and change what has happened to us. I don't want to ache to hold Logan in my arms anymore, I just want him in my arms. I want the crying and the heartache to go away. I don't want to start crying every time I see a mother with a newborn in a car seat or feeding them and think to myself that would be my world right now. I really just want him to be here with me and instead of writing sad poor me posts be writing cute baby posts of him. I might look strong on the outside but on the inside I am screaming and falling apart.
I want everyone to still talk to me like I am me but also acknowledge that I just had Logan and treat me as though you would if he was here. Tell me how cute he was and that you miss him too. Those are the things I need to hear as his mother that has no child here on earth. I hate when I am somewhere and I am surrounded by people who know what happened and don't mention anything about Logan. I don't know why it bothers me but it does but I do know if he was still here with me everyone would be talking about him so why does that have to change.
Maybe I feel this way because he was my first baby. Maybe I feel this way because I have yet to truly experience the real beauty of motherhood and I don't feel like I am a mom because I don't have Logan here with me. My days of acting as a mother consisted of going back and forth to the NICU to basically only touch, sing, talk to my baby and pump milk. I felt worthless and frustrated I couldn't do more for him as his mother. I was the one who was supposed to provide for him and take care of him but I felt useless. He needed me and I needed him. I hated leaving the NICU and I hated going to the NICU. It was so wonderful being with him and talking to him and see him move but is was exhausting and frustrating.
My world was complete the day I found out I was pregnant with Logan but my world fell apart the day he passed away. I am trying really hard to pick up the pieces. I feel peace and comfort but I also feel anger and rage. I feel gratitude that he is safe but I also feel sadness I can't see him every day and watch him grow in this life. I have empty arms but I have a full heart of love for this little boy.
3 comments:
I think the reason why people say you are strong is because you are able to continue on with life even though you lost SO much. If I had been in your shoes I would have given up completely. And I know you want to do that more than anything because that's the easy way out. To forget the pain, the sadness, the anger. I'm not referring to suicide or anything, I am just referring to feeling like you don't want to do anything or go anywhere or see anyone. You just want to sort of give up on life. At least that was how I felt and I only lost my first at 8-10 weeks pregnant. It was hard on me. And I only kept going because of my wonderful husband. Logan was and still is a handsome boy and he was being strong for you. I know the feeling of wanting a baby when everyone around you has one. It was my world for 2 years. Me and my husband weren't trying for that long, but I wanted a baby for that long. I was constantly baby hungry and when Jordan kept refusing to "try" for a baby it made the pain of not having one all that more worse. And it only got even more painful when I miscarried.
Also, people may not feel comfortable talking to you about Logan because they don't know how you will take it. Its a touchy subject and everyone takes things in different ways. I wasn't at all like you. I didn't want to talk about my miscarriage or what happened because it only reminded me of what I had lost and it brought me to tears every time I talked about it or thought about it. My life was consumed by pain and hate and anger. I hated it when people asked me about it and I hated it when they still didn't know about it and I had to tell them that I "lost my baby." The difference between you and me is that you are more of an optimistic person whether you feel like it or not because talking about Logan with others makes you feel better. You look at it as a gift to remember him. I on the other hand am very pessimistic in nature and I saw only pain when being reminded of my miscarriage.
The pieces of your puzzle might not start falling into place until you get pregnant again. And even then you will constantly worry whether or not you will lose that one or if something will go wrong. My baby girl has been perfectly healthy since I conceived her and yet even now I still constantly worry that I will lose her and that Heavenly Father is going to need her in heaven with Him. That worry is always going to be there and I have heard that it only gets worse as they grow.
You did a wonderful job with Logan and you are doing a wonderful job by voicing your feelings. I bottled mine up for the longest time and I think it only made it worse for me. I only put my pain into poems and songs, which I kept to myself. You talk, you write, you voice it.
It feels like the pain will never pass and I can't promise that it will because you will always carry Logan in your heart, but don't give up on getting pregnant again. And when you do the pain will start to ease. It may not pass, but it will ease.
Love you girl! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. :)
I am so so sorry Lauren. What a difficult thing you are going through. Not that it helps, but because of all of this you are going to be an even better mother. You will love and appreciate your kids all the more. I have a friend who lost a baby due to similar circumstances. Her kids are now teenagers and she is one of the best, loving mothers I know. I often admire her for that. But in the meantime, I'm so sorry your heart aches. I pray that soon your empty arms will be filled.
Hi Lauren. I found your blog because someone clicked over to mine from here. Oh my heart just aches for you. Your Logan is so precious.
I have to agree that I hate it when no one says anything about my Luke. No mention of condolence or anything. I hate when it's ignored. I like your quote on the side of your blog. It's true - I haven't forgotten about my child's death, and I wish that his life (though only 9 months in my womb) would be acknowledged.
Much love and prayers to you and your husband.
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