Infertility & Pregnancy Loss

Unfortunately I have experienced both. These are both things you don't want to experience or hear.

I feel strongly about sharing my thoughts about these subjects.  Although they are subjects people try to avoid.   I feel asI am not the best writer but I am going to try. I can sometimes get off note but just bare with me.

When I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't get pregnant. I felt like I had no picture in the future. One of the reasons why we get married is to start and create a family. Basically when you decide you want to start a family you get your heart set on it. Than month after month that little bit of hope starts to fade as you wish so badly to see a positive pregnancy test.

I can't compare my experience to others who have gone through infertility but I can only imagine how my 20 months of heartache feels for someone who's heartache has been years. Basically unbearable.

Right after I had Logan I read an article by Mrs. Utah in a magazine about infertility and pregnancy loss. She basically talked about how people avoid the matter and pretend like nothing is wrong with anyone.

When I was experiencing infertility I felt like it wasn't something I was allowed to talk about. That no one wanted to hear about my sadness or frustration. This was difficult because unless you know me really well I really need to talk about my problems. Sometimes just sharing my problems out loud somehow help me cure. I am a very open girl (sometimes I wish I wasn't) and I needed to talk about it.

So basically what I am trying to say is be open to people who battle this difficult war. Let them know you care. Listen to them. Let them cry on your shoulder. Please don't sit and talk about how wonderful your children are when they are trying to find comfort in a dark place. Now don't take this that I am saying you can't talk about your children I am just saying only when someone is trying to talk about their difficult battle but you feel awkward and start talking about your kids because you don't know what else to say.

No onto the next subject.. Pregnancy loss the one we all completely dread and pray every day it doesn't happen to us. Yes every day of my pregnancy with Logan I would always hope and pray that he would get here full term healthy and just be mine for keeps. He obviously was to perfect for this world BUT that doesn't make all my pain and problems go away immediately. This is a long road and I will probably be on this road forever but at different levels. I know it will get easier but right now it is still hard.

The holidays have been difficult because I have noticed how revolved around children everything is. I feel completely left out and hold in the tears. It seems as though on both sides of our families everyone has children who get to be involved in something as I sit back and pretend its fun to watch. This is a pretty blunt statement but from a mother who has no other children it is DIFFICULT! In the past I've been okay with it and just enjoyed it but I can't even imagine how people feel who haven't been able to have children.

If I don't have a baby by next year I probably won't be going to family parties unless it is just for adults. It was hard this year and will probably be harder next year. I don't know what my timeline is. It could be 2 more years of waiting or maybe a month of waiting. I don't know what to expect and am trying to not to expect anything because if I do my heart will just break even more.

I am the youngest in my family so I never had younger siblings to tease or play with. I always had an instant love for children and babies. I knew that I wanted to start my family as soon as I could. Not once did I think I would battle the wars I have battled. It makes me worried for my future. If heavenly father had this on my plate.. what else does he have? I have already had to battle two of my worst nightmares. I really hope I don't experience anything else scary.

I am still really mad about the situation and at times find it difficult to be spiritual through this experience. When we had Logan it was such a spiritual experience and everything was so peaceful and also for a while after the funeral. Than it left and reality set in.

My heart aches. Right now is probably the worse stage because people stop talking about him. People start to move on. It is almost like he is forgotten. I almost feel like I am not even allowed to bring up that I just had a baby because it is too awkward for other people. They don't know what to say they just stare at me with a blank face.

I was so ready to be apart of that parent group. I was ready to take charge and have a child to look after. Having a child that wanted me to hold them over anyone else. My arms feel so empty so a lot of the time I hold onto myself or Jay D because I feel so empty. I can understand why moms to be rub their belly so much because that is the closest they can get to holding their baby.

I hope after reading this you can better understand Infertility & pregnancy loss. That it is important to take the time and maybe just listen to someone who is experiencing the heart ache. I understand it can be an awkward situation and maybe you just don't know what to say. I tell my mom all the time I hate how awkward it is for everyone. No one knows what to say to me but I guess I wouldn't know what to say to myself either. And if someone wants to talk about their baby that they  lost don't act like they didn't just say something and look the other way. It makes us feel stupid and think we aren't allowed to find the little joy we can about our precious angels.

My Christmas wish this year is for everyone who has been trying, waiting, or praying for a baby will get one this year! I know this probably won't come true but it is my wish!



Family Pictures

One of our very good friends Ashley McFarlane took some pictures for us. 

I love how they turned out. I wish we could have taken these fun pictures with

 Logan here but we did what was second best. 

I think they turned out beautiful! She is a wonderful photographer. 

My Logan was such a beautiful baby and looks so much like Jay D and so much like a Speechly. I miss him so much but know he is doing wonderful work in heaven. It makes me think that I need to go to the temple more often because he is working so hard and maybe just maybe one of the people I do work for is someone he taught in heaven. How neat would that be? Thank you for all of your support & love 

Honesty

I need to write. My emotions are overwhelming and hard to bare.

I go back to the day before everything happened. There is a memory I hold onto.

I was laying on my couch waiting for Jay D to get home from work. My belly had finally started looking pregnant. Logan was kicking so much and I put my phone on my belly and watched him kick it off. My happiness and love for him was overwhelming. I thought to myself tomorrow I will be 6 months along that is only 3 more months till I get to meet my little guy.

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to be happy or stop thinking of him. I know I will never stop thinking of him. I loved him too much. I know my life will get better and things will be easier but I am just not quite ready for that.

I am not ready to stop talking about my baby. Just because he isn't here on earth doesn't mean I want him forgotten. I know he will never be forgotten but why does everyone else get to talk about their children all the time and because mine died its over and done with. Everyone looks at me different..like I'm not the same person and I am not and never will be. People don't know what to say and if I was them I wouldn't know what to say either I don't blame them. My emotions are crazy and some days I want people to talk to me and others I don't. I only wish I was the same person and still pregnant. I wish it was all a nightmare.

Many have been so loving and generous. I can't thank people enough. I feel like I should do more but I am not ready.

Before we got pregnant with Logan, finding out others were pregnant was literally gut wrenching to me. At times I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel this way but I did and it wasn't something I could control. It was more difficult if they were younger than me or hadn't been married as long as me. It wasn't fair, but life isn't right? I would find reasons to justify my anger by thinking of reasons why they deserved that baby because like me they wanted to be parents too. I wasn't mad at them I was more mad that I couldn't get pregnant and they could.

I'm putting all my feelings and thoughts out on the line here. I got sad  when people  talked about their babies and how awful pregnancy was. I didn't care I would have taken it, but at the same time I found joy in it because I knew it was something I would want to do when I became a mother. I was excited for people to ooo and aw over my baby when I had one.

I hated that others had a better timeline. Mine was a month to month process of crossing fingers and toes. Praying that their would be two pink lines instead of one this month. I don't wish this timeline on anyone.

Now I feel like those feelings have started all over. I don't want to see anyone pregnant or hear that anyone is pregnant. I was supposed to have my baby before them and be happy and okay now right? I wasn't ever going to have to feel those feelings again because I was going to be blessed with a child in my arms to care for and love. A lot of people tell me "You'll be with him again" and I have said before this does give me comfort but all in all it doesn't make everything better. I had dreams, hopes, desires & plans. I had dreams of being able to hold my baby right after delivery, I had hopes of taking him home with me. I had desires to play with him and show him off. I had plans to be his mom here on earth now.. not later.

I know Heavenly Father loves me and he knows I feel all these things. I have told him.

So many people have reached out and for that I am grateful. I am grateful others have felt the sadness I have felt so that they can give me strength and look forward in life. I am grateful for a family who misses him too and loves him. I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel so I can get out of bed everyday and take it min by min.

I am not depressed. I am grieving the loss of my child whom I loved so so much.

Sheena's side of the story...

I wanted to share my sisters side of the story because I feel like she wrote it very beautifully. I am lucky to have sisters who have been there for me through this very difficult time in my life.

Logan

I feel like I need to document this vital event, because it has changed my life forever...

About 3 weeks ago I just returned from visiting my family in Utah, when I got a call from my mom. She called to tell me that Lauren (my baby sister) had a little bleeding & cramping and was headed up to the hospital. My little sister was 24 weeks (6mo) pregnant and it took her almost 2 yrs to get to pregnant. I told my mom that it probably was nothing and if it was that they would just give her some medications to stop the contractions. Boy was I wrong!

When Lauren got to the hospital L&D was really busy and kinda put Lauren on the back burner. Finally, the Manager of L&D came and got her ready to be checked out. After the manager checked her out things got a little more serious and buzzing around her. The nurse said she was dilated at a 2 which was better than we thought. She gave her a steroid shot to help the baby's lungs develop faster and started her on Magnesium Sulfate to stop the contractions.. which is a icky drug! I was on the phone with my mother when the doctor came in. I asked her if I could listen in and hear the conversation. The doctor informed her that she has a incompetent cervix and they were just pretty much waiting for her water to break. As soon as I heard that I started bawling. I knew it was bad, and that she could have this baby in minute. During all of this my sister remained calm and very positive. She was hoping that they would just have to stay in the hospital until her due date which was still 3 mo away. They also did a ultrasound to see which position the baby was in and he happened to be breech. Ugh, things were not looking good.
We all prayed a lot that day that everything would work out and we would be prepared for whatever happens to her and the baby. I had to work a night shift that night. I tried to take a nap before I went in, but it was just so hard to be million miles away from my family at this critical time. I considered calling in sick, but thought I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways so I decided to just buck up and go in. I remember driving to work and my eyes were so red and puffy from crying all day long it was so hard to see straight. I felt so much peace that evening and knew whatever happened it was in the Lords hands and it was his plan.
Right before shift change I got a phone call from my mom. In a panic, scared, worried voice my mom said that Lauren's water broke. My heart dropped and I was just sick as sick.. I knew that this was bad. I told my mom that everything would be OK and that she needed to be strong for Lauren. She was worried that she would have to have a c-section. The day before the doctor said that if he had to do a c-section on her that most likely they would have to perform a vertical c-section which could cause trouble in her future births. My mom kept praying that the Doctor would know what to do and hopefully she wouldn't have to have a c-section. The Lord was watching over my sister because the doctor decided to take the baby vaginally. It was a great blessing.

Logan Jay Dalpias was born at 8:13 AM on October 19th, 2011 weighing 1 Ib 5 oz & 12.5 in long

I got to speak to my little sister after she gave birth to Logan. I told her how much I loved her and that no matter what happens that the Lord loves us and knows whats best. I told her to remember the sweet sweet spirit she felt when Logan was born. I drove home from work driving past the Las Vegas Strip when the words of "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" I was filled with so much love and comfort from our Lord, Jesus Christ. It was a moment, day that I will never forget.

The next few days Logan had many ups and downs. I felt terrible being so far away from my family that I decided I needed to come back home. My parents good friends have a home down here in Henderson and told me I could hitch a ride home with them. The only thing that I was nervous about was I had to ride home with their two big dogs in the car. I know some people love dogs or animals for that matter, but I am not one of them. I am the type that likes them from a distance. However, I wanted to get home more than anything and this seemed to be the best solution at the time. It was long ride home, but we made it to my parents late Saturday night. I was concern to see my parents broken hearted. I was glad I was home.

The next day I joined my mother at church. The spirit was so strong and the sacrament talks felt so directed to us. They also had a musical piano number of "I Know that My Redeemer Lives." I felt the arms of the Lord around me. It was just what we needed for what laid before us. As we walked in the door to our house Jay D called and said Logan's condition wasn't good and to get to the hospital. Driving up to the hospital I was worried sick. I didn't know what would happen, but I was very anxious to meet my little new nephew.
When I entered the NICU and saw my sweet little sister beside her little boy tears of love streamed down both of our faces. We embraced each other. It was so good to be beside them. Jay D was so cute and said.."Look at my son, isn't he GREAT?" with a big smile on his face. He was just that GREAT! He looked so tiny, and precious. I had a instant love for him. We spent the rest of the day at the hospital with Logan.

Monday morning I called Lauren and asked if I could go back up to the NICU with them. I was lucky to have my dear friend Tara offer to watch Autumn while I went up to the hospital. I dropped her off around 11am and then met up with Jay D & Lars at the hospital. When we got into the NICU Logan's doctor came and spoke with us and told us Logan's condition was getting worse. I was privileged to watch Jay D and Lauren hold and love their sweet baby Logan the rest of the day. I was so impressed by what great parents they were to Logan. All of Jay D's siblings and parents came and the rest of my siblings came to spend they day with Logan. Words can't express what a day it was. The spirit was strong and our love for this precious baby was strong. Logan passed away the night of Oct 24th in my sister and brother-in-laws arms, surrounded by his aunts and uncles, and grandparents. It was a bitter sweet day that I will truly never forget. I am so thankful that I made it in time to meet my sweet nephew. He has changed us for the better.

The first time we got to see his little mouth... He looked so much like my dad, but a lot like Jay D

Nick was able to come up the following day. Lauren and Jay D spent the rest of the week at my parents with us. It was good to be together. We would be crying one moment to laughing the next. I can only imagine how hard it was for my little sister to let her baby go back home with our Heavenly Father. It was hard for me to let him go, but I know he will always be here with us.

We looked all over to find Logan a sweet little outfit to bury him in. This was his little outfit...It still drowned him

Logan Jay was buried in the Ben Lomand cemetery in North Ogden. It was a cold day, but we felt the warmth of his loving arms around us. The service was perfect. My father wrote Logan a poem and then Jay D's dad gave a small talk. After the service I bought white balloons for all Logan's cousins to send up to Heaven for him. This event has brought my family together so much. I have seen so much love from all my siblings. I know Lauren and Jay D are wonderful parents and will be able to raise Logan again someday. My testimony of the church has grown so much through this trail. I know that families can be together forever and I am so thankful for my little family.

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