Honesty

I need to write. My emotions are overwhelming and hard to bare.

I go back to the day before everything happened. There is a memory I hold onto.

I was laying on my couch waiting for Jay D to get home from work. My belly had finally started looking pregnant. Logan was kicking so much and I put my phone on my belly and watched him kick it off. My happiness and love for him was overwhelming. I thought to myself tomorrow I will be 6 months along that is only 3 more months till I get to meet my little guy.

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to be happy or stop thinking of him. I know I will never stop thinking of him. I loved him too much. I know my life will get better and things will be easier but I am just not quite ready for that.

I am not ready to stop talking about my baby. Just because he isn't here on earth doesn't mean I want him forgotten. I know he will never be forgotten but why does everyone else get to talk about their children all the time and because mine died its over and done with. Everyone looks at me different..like I'm not the same person and I am not and never will be. People don't know what to say and if I was them I wouldn't know what to say either I don't blame them. My emotions are crazy and some days I want people to talk to me and others I don't. I only wish I was the same person and still pregnant. I wish it was all a nightmare.

Many have been so loving and generous. I can't thank people enough. I feel like I should do more but I am not ready.

Before we got pregnant with Logan, finding out others were pregnant was literally gut wrenching to me. At times I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel this way but I did and it wasn't something I could control. It was more difficult if they were younger than me or hadn't been married as long as me. It wasn't fair, but life isn't right? I would find reasons to justify my anger by thinking of reasons why they deserved that baby because like me they wanted to be parents too. I wasn't mad at them I was more mad that I couldn't get pregnant and they could.

I'm putting all my feelings and thoughts out on the line here. I got sad  when people  talked about their babies and how awful pregnancy was. I didn't care I would have taken it, but at the same time I found joy in it because I knew it was something I would want to do when I became a mother. I was excited for people to ooo and aw over my baby when I had one.

I hated that others had a better timeline. Mine was a month to month process of crossing fingers and toes. Praying that their would be two pink lines instead of one this month. I don't wish this timeline on anyone.

Now I feel like those feelings have started all over. I don't want to see anyone pregnant or hear that anyone is pregnant. I was supposed to have my baby before them and be happy and okay now right? I wasn't ever going to have to feel those feelings again because I was going to be blessed with a child in my arms to care for and love. A lot of people tell me "You'll be with him again" and I have said before this does give me comfort but all in all it doesn't make everything better. I had dreams, hopes, desires & plans. I had dreams of being able to hold my baby right after delivery, I had hopes of taking him home with me. I had desires to play with him and show him off. I had plans to be his mom here on earth now.. not later.

I know Heavenly Father loves me and he knows I feel all these things. I have told him.

So many people have reached out and for that I am grateful. I am grateful others have felt the sadness I have felt so that they can give me strength and look forward in life. I am grateful for a family who misses him too and loves him. I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel so I can get out of bed everyday and take it min by min.

I am not depressed. I am grieving the loss of my child whom I loved so so much.