It's No Secret

I don't think it's a secret to anyone that we have been trying for a baby again. Honestly, I had very high hopes that we would be pregnant by now. I hear that other mothers get pregnant really fast and I also hear of mothers who are still trying over a year later. I don't want to be that mom.

I need a lot of prayers my way. Not only to get pregnant but to remain calm and feel peace that it will happen when it is right for us. I am about ready to pull my hair out. Working at a salon has a lot of perks but it also has a lot of down sides to it. I get to hear about EVERYONES pregnancy's. Depending on the day it can affect my emotions. I just want to ask nicely can you please talk about something else...like maybe someone got engaged??? I am okay hearing about engagements.. but please don't end talking about someone who just got married that they are now pregnant and have only been married for a month. I might come and find their address and slap them  (ha ha just kidding). But really people is pregnancy the only thing to talk about?! Isn't their anything else more exciting to talk about? I get that babies are really cute, cuddly and exciting...

I think most people who have never experienced a loss or any kind of infertility will never understand how our sad poor group feels and that is okay but at least TRY to understand. Try to be sympathetic. If your pregnant and your really good friend or sister or sister in law has experienced a loss or is experiencing infertility and hasn't received their rainbow baby. Tell them in person by themselves out of public and give them a REALLY big hug and understand when they start crying. Don't get all moody and expect them to put a huge smile on their face and act like it doesn't hurt when we hear someone we are close to is pregnant. It does hurt and it will probably always hurt until we angel mothers have our own baby in our arms.

I have made little stepping stones along the way. I have held a newborn but she was a girl. I have yet to hold a newborn baby boy. This will be a hard step for me. One of my good friends is expecting a sweet little boy in May. I am nervous at how I will react but I know that she will understand because she has really been there for me through some of my hardest days. She knows how I feel and she doesn't judge me for feeling that way. I am so grateful she has had the ability to be understanding of my feelings and not de-friend me because she is too scared to be around me because she is pregnant.

Okay along that line. Just because your pregnant don't automatically assume I hate you because guess what? I don't hate you. Am I jealous.. probably but  that is the natural man in me and I am working to try and beat the jealousy and just be excited for you too.

I haven't been invited to any baby showers yet. Will I go? I am not sure. We will see how I feel that day. Some days rock and I feel awesome and I see babies and think happy thoughts for them and than other days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for myself.

It is difficult in our families for me because it seems like everything revolves around the grand kids. Jay D and I are both the youngest in our families so we are surrounded by nieces and nephews. It makes me so sad that Logan doesn't get to be apart of any holiday fun or fun camping trips with Nana and Papa or bear lake boat rides with Grammy and Papa. It breaks my heart break. I just have to remember that my turn will come but I am SO sick of being patient and I am going to be honest I hope my turn is next in line in our families but I wouldn't be surprised if it is not.