33 week thoughts

Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks pregnant with our little girl... her name will be Makenna Logan or Brynn Logan... we will have to wait and see what fits her best. I feel such a sweet bond between this little girl and her brother Logan I had to use his name with hers.. it just feels right to us.

Getting to 33 weeks has given me a different outlook. I feel I can actually get excited for her to come and that her coming home with us is a big possibility, however, after losing Logan there is always that thought in the back of my mind that something could go wrong. A lot of people don't understand this thought of mine because they haven't lost a baby but my world is different and will always be different from mothers who haven't lost a child.

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant I felt a whole lot of emotions. I felt relieved, excited, sad, frightened, and a lot others. I was relieved I didn't have to try any longer. I felt excited that I was able to get pregnant so soon. I was sad that Logan wasn't here with us to welcome a new sibling. I was frightened that my pregnancy wouldn't last and I would experience a new loss. Each week was a new milestone and each week came with new emotions.

I had just started a new job and had to work a long day for the hair show they put on and had to stay on my feet all day and I remember thinking all day I am going to miscarry because I am lifting and moving around and on my feet all day long. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting yet and my mind was racing. Finally I asked my husband that night after breaking down to give me a blessing of comfort. I felt an automatic feeling of peace that whatever was to happen was to happen and the lord would be there for me. I have mostly been able to stay calm throughout this pregnancy because of that blessing I received.

I can't believe that in 7 weeks or less we will have a new bundle of joy in our lives and we will finally have something exciting in our lives! Jay D said the other night we will never be bored again because we will have this little girl to entertain us! Than reality set in.. no more movies nights planned last minute and no more last minute outings but that is okay we have had almost 5 years of that and we are so looking forward to having a little family. I think Jay D is more ready than I am! I was more ready when I was pregnant with Logan and than after losing him I was filled with fear and thought am I ready enough to be a mother and have a child that depends 100% on me to care for them? I hope it all comes together when she is here but I sure hope I can do everything right to care for her. I do know I have a lot of love to give her.