17 Weeks

17 weeks already? Wow! I am so glad to be to this point but also just want to fast forward the next 5 months. I just want her here in my arms nice and chubby and bring her home with us. I love her so much already.

Compared to my pregnancy with Logan I feel like I am 10 times more worried and anxious of things happening. I am trying so hard to stay calm. I don't want my anxiety to hurt baby girl. I am just so grateful for my care providers who care for me and want her here just as much as we do.

This past week has probably been my most emotional week during this pregnancy. Finding out the sex of the baby has made things more real for us and I want to plan out her life than there is the side of me thinking well I might just have to plan another funeral. That is what I mean when I talk about wanting a "normal" pregnancy. Not having to worry about if I will plan a funeral more than planning out things I will do with her. I understand most mothers worry about something happening to their baby's while they are pregnant but I think it is a little different when you have already lost a baby.

It is like riding a roller coaster. One minute I am planning what we are going to do together and the next I am pulling myself away from going that far. So I want this pregnancy to FLY by so I can be a mommy finally and bring her home and love her so much with hugs and kisses. I just want to hold my very own baby. I am done holding everyone else's. I mean they are cute but they aren't my babies. I want my baby that wants me over everyone else. So if I don't ask to hold your baby don't be offended my arms are waiting for my little girl. I hope you understand.

15 Weeks



Her tiny footprint

5 weeks



4 Wonderful Years!

I have been wanting to do a fun post lately and thought that I would save it for our 4 year Anniversary and document all of the wonderful things we have been able to do together and start together. Here it goes:

July 16th, 2008 We were sealed for Time & all Eternity in the Ogden LDS Temple 

Spent our Honeymoon in Orlando, FL at Disney World! I want to go back SO bad! Although it was hot and we were sweaty it was so much fun! 

6 months later my sister found an unbelievable deal on airfare to Orlando again...so we took off to Disney World again because it was SO cheap... we couldn't resist and I have NO regrets of going twice in one year. 

We've gone to Bear Lake a ton in between these times. 

We bought our First Home! (You should see it now this is right after we bought it)

We went to Las Vegas to a Hair Show with some great friends of ours! First time I was allowed to Gamble.

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We went to Mexico for our first time with my parents and sister Sheena and her Hubby Nick. 

In September we headed on the long wide open road to DISNEYLAND with Jay D's Family and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel and it was so much fun! 

In 2011 last minute we decided to go to Hawaii for 10 wonderful best decision we ever made days with my parents and again my sister and her family! 

In 2011 last minute we decided to go to Hawaii for 10 wonderful best decision we ever made days with my parents and again my sister and her family! 

End of May of 2011 we found out that we were expecting our first baby! 

It's a Boy! 

October 19th, 2011 our lives changed forever and we were surprised with an early arrival of our sweet little boy Logan who made us a mom and dad. He was with us shortly and has changed our lives forever! 

May 2012 we found out we we're expecting baby #2 15 weeks along now! 

Jay D and I have been able to make a lot of memories together and travel a ton. These last 4 years have been the absolute best with a little worst in there... but thanks to this wonderful guy I have in my life I still have a smile on my face and I am still chugging along. Jay D you are my best friend and I love you so much! Thank you for being the perfect dad for our perfect little boy Logan and soon to be another little one that we will bring home with us this time. =-)

1st 2nd Baby

When I talk about this baby I call he/she (I don't like calling it an it ha ha) my first second baby. Because Logan was my first but I never got to enjoy the joys of being a real first time mom with my first baby Logan. So this is my first baby because this baby WILL get to come home with me (crossing my fingers) and I'll get to experience what it's really like to be a mommy but this is actually my second baby because Logan will always be my first baby and made me fall in love with him more than I could hardly imagine. Confused yet?

Today I met with my OB. It was a hard change switching from my Midwife and I absolutely dreaded it. However, I was looking forward to getting some more firm answers but I think I left feeling even more upset and nervous. Basically he told me we don't know what to expect and you could just have gone into pre-term labor and that could happen again or you could get the cerclage and possibly be fine. So I am playing everything by ear and being extra paranoid.

I sometimes get the impression some people think I am being "TOO" over the top with the pregnancy and as soon as I get the cerclage and I'll be fine.  After going through what I've been through this is not the case and the Doctor basically confirmed that for me. I am a person who likes to fit in and not be talked about and I worry about what people think of me. It gets the best of me. It is who I am and I can not change that, it is built into my system. My mom always tells me you have to worry about yourself and not what others are thinking. This is truly great advice but it is easier said than done. I have to do what is best for me and our baby and that is that.

I love this little 1st 2nd baby and pray in my heart and pray daily that this baby will make it home with me. I often wonder what a normal pregnancy would be like!? It would be so nice to not have to worry and just carry a baby full-term with no worries.  I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I CAN DO THIS! I can make it to the end of this dark tunnel.

I was hoping to attend Scentsy convention in Vegas at the end of July but decided it is best that I don't go this year which I am completely bummed about. I was so looking forward to going and learning how to build my business. I don't want to risk anything.

Here is our baby! (sorry it's sideways not sure why)

Starting at 22 weeks I will have to be down for 6 hours each day and take things extremely easy. This will be so hard for me. I always say I'm fine I can do it. I hate depending on others to help me get things done. It's the little things that makes it so difficult:

• Doing Laundry and carrying it up the stairs
• cleaning the tub
• vacumning the house
• picking up things and putting them away
• just day to day tasks

This baby is going to be so worth it.  January or end of december can't come soon enough!!!

Sweet Baby

This sweet baby in my tummy is my Rainbow baby. You are the rainbow after the storm. You are my sunshine and my hope. During this pregnancy so far I have felt many emotions. I almost feel numb because I am scared if I get too excited something bad will happen. I can't imagine losing another baby I think I would end up at the funny farm or something among those lines.

I want to so badly make plans and imagine what it will be like to hold this baby in my arms with no machines hooked up to my sweet angel and getting to feel what it is like to actually nurse my baby with out feeling like a cow but I stop my mind from imagining too much ahead because I am nervous that something will go wrong if I believe in it.

This is what I wrote the night I found out we were expecting:
It is 3:08 AM on Thursday May 3rd and I just received the best early mothers day gift ever! I just got a positive pregnancy test and I can hardly believe it. On Sunday I took a test and it was negative and my heart broke. The thought of having to try one more month was unbearable and I couldn't figure out why it didn't happen this last month because everything looked good and I just had a feeling April was the month. My EDD would be the first week of January and very well could be having a late December baby crossing my fingers things go over very well! I am writing this post now so I can remember EVERY little detail.

Please pray that everything goes over well and this baby is healthy and strong!!!! Thanks for all of your support!!!!

I want to remember everything during this pregnancy because I feel like I didn't document things as well when I was pregnant with Logan because I didn't want to offend anyone who was having difficulties getting pregnant. So this is a nice warning if you can't handle my blog than don't read it. I have multiple friends and family who have shared their experiences and I could have easily chosen to get offended but instead I said I read it and they aren't forcing me so if I get offended than that is my own fault. This is how I keep my journal and document my feelings.

So I am 11 weeks along and have been feeling pretty good. Different than with Logan for sure. I have felt way more nauseous this time around and actually had to take nausea medicine where with Logan I felt nauseous like 2-3 times for like 10 min. However, I can say that I have not thrown up once during either of my pregnancies and I am very grateful. This time I have had a couple close calls but didn't. I am just starting to feel better however, I am still exhausted to the max and I feel like our social lives have flown out the door. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. The thought of getting ready and going out to eat or to a movie sounds exhausting and I would rather stay on my couch and watch Prison Break. So I am hoping to gain back some energy here soon and go do some fun things before I am stuck in bed (if that happens which it very well could).

I will get my cerclage put in sometime in the first part of July and I am getting nervous for that but know that it has a very high success rate and so grateful it will help this sweet baby come home with us. That is our goal to bring a baby to our home this time around.

I ordered a mattress for the crib today which was a HUGE step for me. I have put off everything baby because what if another year goes on and I still have all this baby stuff just sitting and waiting... that has been difficult for me. If I talk about it or think about it I get all emotional that my car seat is already almost a year old and still in the box.

I am scared to walk into Babies "R" Us because the last time I was there I registered for Logan. Will I be okay? I think so. I am not too much of an emotional person and don't cry very easily but with Logan things have changed a bit.

Next time I will post some pictures and hopefully will have some more exciting upbeat posts =-) Thank you for all of your prayers they are very much appreciated.....

Speaking of prayers I want to share this experience.

I had just found out I was expecting and I was scheduled to work at the Peerless Spring Show all day Sunday. It was going to be a long stressful day... great just what I needed. I was SO worried I was going to miscarry and lose this baby and being on my feet all day and not really being able to eat much I was super worried. All day my brain was thinking "I am going to miscarry" than I'd think "well I am going to miscarry because I keep thinking I am going to miscarry" I couldn't lose another baby.... it would just be too much to deal with. So when I got home I broke down to Jay D and shared my feelings with him and I asked if he could give me a blessing. Oh my goodness as soon as he gave me a beautiful blessing I felt all that worry and the burdens lift from me. It was beautiful and ever sense I have just had this calmness that it will be okay no matter what.

October 19th 2011

Go HERE to read what I have to say.