31 Weeks

Today I am 31 weeks pregnant. Wowza that seems so far along for me. I am amazed at modern day medicine and so grateful that  with the help of modern day medicine I can be a mother to children here on earth because without it I probably wouldn't have that opportunity. I am grateful that if she came early from this point that her chances of survival are so much better.

 

This pregnancy has not been a piece of cake that is for sure. We have been given our ups and downs and it has made it very difficult for me to truly enjoy pregnancy. Honestly pregnancy now scares me and I am afraid I might not be able to have as many children as I had hoped because I may lose my sanity if I am pregnant too many more times and when I have children it will be even more difficult to be pregnant.  

 

It has been difficult to let others do things for me that I used to be able to do so easily. Like laundry, going up & down the stairs, lifting boxes and my nieces and nephews, standing on my feet for long periods of time. I have had to give up things that I love and things that I never thought I would miss. I am so grateful for my mom, mother in law & Jay D who have been more than willing to help me out with the things I haven't been able to do because without them my house would be an even bigger mess than it is now and I wouldn't have any clean clothes to wear. I can't wait to be able to do my own laundry and cleaning & cooking again.. who knew?!

 

3 more weeks and the doctor said I can do a little bit more and move around more and I will take advantage of getting little sisters nursery completed and clothes washed and put away. Than who knows maybe she'll come early but hopefully not before 36 weeks pregnant but really not before 34 weeks.

 

We've had 4 hospital visits this pregnancy and it makes me so grateful that my husband has a job that provides great health insurance for us or we would be dead broke. The nurses have been really nice to me and told me to always come up when I am uncertain due to my previous pregnancy. After my third visit I was really hoping to have no more visits to the hospital and that they told me if I was bleeding I was most likely dilating or to come if I was having consistent contractions. Well Saturday night I started to bleed and we rushed to the hospital and I thought great I am going to have this baby and its still to early to avoid the NICU experience again. I just want a healthy normal baby. Luckily I wasn't dilating and we have no idea what caused me to bleed. I felt so blessed that everything was okay but annoyed that I had to go to the hospital again and spend the night for the 3rd time! Poor Jay D has been a trooper and has slept on a recliner 3 times... hopefully the next time will be when we deliver our sweet angel and we get one of the nice big delivery rooms that has a bed for the dads.

 

We have felt the many prayers that have been sent our way and the love from so many of you and we feel so blessed to have many people praying for us.

I had a Dream

I had a dream Logan and that dream was you. Today I dream about the day we can be together again.

 

 

As I was driving home from my moms tonight I put on my Pandora radio and I heard this song. For some reason it touched my heart and made me think of the dream I had as a little girl to be a mom and raise a family. I had a dream to have children. I had a dream that I could be the best I could be. Now I dream of what it will be like to see Logan again for the first time and hold him in my arms.

Happy Birthday Logan

Today we celebrate and mourn Logan's first birthday. Not exactly how I planned on celebrating my first Born's birthday. I had always imagined a birthday celebration with first cake being eaten by our little one and new toys to be played with and laughter and smiles being shared among our loved ones. Instead we will visit his grave, release balloons and celebrate his short life with cake and ice cream with Logan's cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents

As I reflect on this past year I think of how many different emotions I have had to overcome. I have had to try and find myself again. I have learned how to be more compassionate towards others. I have had to be okay with the idea that some people may not want to be around me anymore because it was too awkward for them. I have made new friends with Mommy's who have been through a loss and I have disconnected with other friends who have been in my life for a while. I have watched people judge my actions or question my grief. Many people want you to move on because they have but I will never be able to move on from the loss of Logan. It has and will continue to get easier but I am learning to endure the heartache I feel of not having my little boy here with me.  He has impacted my life in many ways and I want that known to the world. I want to impact people that the loss of an infant is just as hard as losing any loved one if not harder. Harder in meaning that I only had 5 days with him. I don't have pictures of him growing up. I never got to see him smile or learn to walk and talk. These are all things I had planned on.  I love Logan just as much as I will love the children I will raise here on earth so why should he be forgotten.

I have felt the bitterness and the sweet through this past year. I have watched as people have served Jay D and I through love and compassion but I have also felt bitter that I had to go through this. I read another angel mothers blog and something she said struck me. She said that people always say (which they do to me all the time) I could never do that you are so strong and she said she also never thought she could do this but she has and that means you could too. Honestly what other choice do I have but to be strong and honor Logan's life.

Logan has given me a strength I never knew I had and I love him for that. I look forward to next year when we can celebrate your birthday with baby sister. We love you Logan and miss you those are two things I just can not say enough of! Happy Birthday sweet boy!

 



 

 

My boys

 

 

 

 

 

 

28 weeks & Shower

 

My sweet sister Sheena wanted to throw me a shower the week of Logan's Birthday so I would have something to look forward to instead of only having heartbreak that my little boy isn't here to celebrate his 1st birthday with us.

We were SO spoiled and the shower was so cute and so much fun and a perfect way to give me something to look forward to!

 

The theme was "Ready to POP"

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for "POPing" by favors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"POPpyseed" Salad, Cake "POPs" Along with "POPular" foods

and the cross stitch my mom made me when she was pregnant with me and my baby picture for decoration and of course balloons that were "Ready to POP"

 

Now we were spoiled with so many wonderful gifts from blankets to a highchair with medicine to bath supplies that I feel so much more ready than I did before. I am so grateful we got so many things that I will need as a new mom because I would never know where to begin with medicines and creams for baby girl. People were so generous and giving.

 

My friend Anna made us the sweetest "Little Sister" onesie for her to wear in the hospital with a little "L" for Logan on the back. I may or may not have cried when I saw this. She makes so many cute onesies you should check out her etsy website here

 

And I thought I was big at 24 weeks!

 

 

Thanks to my sisters and mom the Shower was a huge success and turned out so darling! We had it with my side of the family and the girls I work with at the salon and some of my clients! We can't thank everyone enough we were so spoiled! Can't wait to meet this little girl =-) We love her so much already!

 

6.5 months already!

Wow! 6.5 months along already in this pregnancy. It seems so surreal. I remember finding out when I was first pregnant with her and this point in my pregnancy seemed so far away and untouchable.  It was hard for my mind to believe that I could get past 6  months in pregnancy and I believed that I would possibly have another pre-term baby. I remember thinking how will I deal with a NICU baby or loss and Logan's birthday without falling apart?  My hopes and dreams are starting to become more within reach. 

The thought that I can have a normal delivery where I get to hold my baby right after is right in front of me. The possibility to start nursing my baby is within reach. I can do this and I deserve it. 

It has been a very rough year with many ups and downs but I deserve to get excited and celebrate my pregnancy the way I want to celebrate it. I think today I will celebrate with some froyo from spoon me! 

Every week, day, minute that passes by is a huge blessing to Jay D and I! We are SO ready to be parents to this baby girl that our patience is running out but I think we can be patient a couple more months! 

Some highlights

*I will be 38 weeks prego on Christmas Day... maybe a Christmas baby? maybe not? who knows

*She will be the best birthday gift that I have ever received in my life and I am willing to share my birthday with her! 

*I think I have officially felt her have the hiccups

*I feel the love of Logan often and know he is watching over his baby sister.

*only about 12-14 more weeks till we get to meet her and we are so excited to bring her into our little family!