Infertility & Pregnancy Loss

Unfortunately I have experienced both. These are both things you don't want to experience or hear.

I feel strongly about sharing my thoughts about these subjects.  Although they are subjects people try to avoid.   I feel asI am not the best writer but I am going to try. I can sometimes get off note but just bare with me.

When I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't get pregnant. I felt like I had no picture in the future. One of the reasons why we get married is to start and create a family. Basically when you decide you want to start a family you get your heart set on it. Than month after month that little bit of hope starts to fade as you wish so badly to see a positive pregnancy test.

I can't compare my experience to others who have gone through infertility but I can only imagine how my 20 months of heartache feels for someone who's heartache has been years. Basically unbearable.

Right after I had Logan I read an article by Mrs. Utah in a magazine about infertility and pregnancy loss. She basically talked about how people avoid the matter and pretend like nothing is wrong with anyone.

When I was experiencing infertility I felt like it wasn't something I was allowed to talk about. That no one wanted to hear about my sadness or frustration. This was difficult because unless you know me really well I really need to talk about my problems. Sometimes just sharing my problems out loud somehow help me cure. I am a very open girl (sometimes I wish I wasn't) and I needed to talk about it.

So basically what I am trying to say is be open to people who battle this difficult war. Let them know you care. Listen to them. Let them cry on your shoulder. Please don't sit and talk about how wonderful your children are when they are trying to find comfort in a dark place. Now don't take this that I am saying you can't talk about your children I am just saying only when someone is trying to talk about their difficult battle but you feel awkward and start talking about your kids because you don't know what else to say.

No onto the next subject.. Pregnancy loss the one we all completely dread and pray every day it doesn't happen to us. Yes every day of my pregnancy with Logan I would always hope and pray that he would get here full term healthy and just be mine for keeps. He obviously was to perfect for this world BUT that doesn't make all my pain and problems go away immediately. This is a long road and I will probably be on this road forever but at different levels. I know it will get easier but right now it is still hard.

The holidays have been difficult because I have noticed how revolved around children everything is. I feel completely left out and hold in the tears. It seems as though on both sides of our families everyone has children who get to be involved in something as I sit back and pretend its fun to watch. This is a pretty blunt statement but from a mother who has no other children it is DIFFICULT! In the past I've been okay with it and just enjoyed it but I can't even imagine how people feel who haven't been able to have children.

If I don't have a baby by next year I probably won't be going to family parties unless it is just for adults. It was hard this year and will probably be harder next year. I don't know what my timeline is. It could be 2 more years of waiting or maybe a month of waiting. I don't know what to expect and am trying to not to expect anything because if I do my heart will just break even more.

I am the youngest in my family so I never had younger siblings to tease or play with. I always had an instant love for children and babies. I knew that I wanted to start my family as soon as I could. Not once did I think I would battle the wars I have battled. It makes me worried for my future. If heavenly father had this on my plate.. what else does he have? I have already had to battle two of my worst nightmares. I really hope I don't experience anything else scary.

I am still really mad about the situation and at times find it difficult to be spiritual through this experience. When we had Logan it was such a spiritual experience and everything was so peaceful and also for a while after the funeral. Than it left and reality set in.

My heart aches. Right now is probably the worse stage because people stop talking about him. People start to move on. It is almost like he is forgotten. I almost feel like I am not even allowed to bring up that I just had a baby because it is too awkward for other people. They don't know what to say they just stare at me with a blank face.

I was so ready to be apart of that parent group. I was ready to take charge and have a child to look after. Having a child that wanted me to hold them over anyone else. My arms feel so empty so a lot of the time I hold onto myself or Jay D because I feel so empty. I can understand why moms to be rub their belly so much because that is the closest they can get to holding their baby.

I hope after reading this you can better understand Infertility & pregnancy loss. That it is important to take the time and maybe just listen to someone who is experiencing the heart ache. I understand it can be an awkward situation and maybe you just don't know what to say. I tell my mom all the time I hate how awkward it is for everyone. No one knows what to say to me but I guess I wouldn't know what to say to myself either. And if someone wants to talk about their baby that they  lost don't act like they didn't just say something and look the other way. It makes us feel stupid and think we aren't allowed to find the little joy we can about our precious angels.

My Christmas wish this year is for everyone who has been trying, waiting, or praying for a baby will get one this year! I know this probably won't come true but it is my wish!