5 months

If you are still reading my blog than you are pretty crazy to still be reading it after 5 months of my grieving. Good days and bad days. 

5 months, has it really been that long? My Logan would be 5 months today. I often think of how my world would be so different than it is right now. I would be at home taking care of my tiny little guy and snuggling him to pieces. I probably wouldn't be sleeping through the night or sitting on the couch all day watching TV. I wonder how big he would be by now and if he would be smiling considering he was a NICU baby they develop later. I miss holding, kissing, smelling him. 

I hate that his carseat & stroller sit in a box unused. I hate that his crib has no mattress and sits incomplete. I hate that all his cute outfits I can't bare to put away or give away. Many time I have considered giving his things away as gifts or putting them away in a box but I than my heart drops and I think no I can't. I get angry that I won't get good use out of my car seat and stroller because they will be older than a year by the time we have a baby but still brand new never been used. 

I hate that it isn't my turn anymore and I just need to accept it. That everyone around me continues to get pregnant ,continues to have babies and continues to find out what they are having. Time is moving forward and that is probably the hardest part about time that everyone else is pregnant and I am not. (not everyone but a lot of people) Some days I wish I could move out of Utah where having babies at my age is abnormal. Where people are into their careers and not even thinking about having babies but now in Utah we are surrounded by pregnant women and babies galore. Now I don't want you to get the wrong idea here. No I do not break down into tears when I see a baby and yes I still think they are really cute. I have a harder time with boys. I can't help but think what would Logan look like right now. Would he look like that blond little guy over there? etc. 

I remember as he was passing away I wanted to remember his smell, remember how it felt to hold him in my arms, remember how it felt to kiss his sweet face, I remember touching his tiny fingers and remembering how it felt to have him hold my finger. I tried to remember how it felt to have his warm little body in my arms or on my shoulder. I tried to remember his little face and how he responded to our voices. The memories are still there and I will always hold onto them but as the time goes on they faintly go away. 

 The day that Logan passed away was a very long tearful emotional day. I was so tired when he passed away my body hurt, my eyes were puffy and raw, my nose had snot running down my face and the tissues at the hospital were horrible (bring your own box). We were surrounded by our families and the spirit of our savior was the strongest I have ever felt in my entire 23 years of life. 

I remember thinking I am too young for this. When we went to the funeral home I did not want to do any of it. I just kept thinking NO I am too young for this there should be an age limit. From Monday to Saturday it was the longest craziest week of my life. There were so many things to be done but yet I didn't want to do any of them. I just wanted everyone to do it for me but there were decisions to be made and someone had to make them. 

I am 5 months closer and 5 months away from him. Almost a half of a year has passed. 

To Logan.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Whenever I see a rainbow I think of you. 

Not a day goes by that I don't look at you.

I will always feel my love for you in my heart. 

As time passes by I fall more in love with you. 

A mothers love is unbreakable. 

I am a mother.