Time Flies..19 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks along with this sweet little girl. This morning I felt her moving the most I have felt her move so far. It is such a relief feeling her move around and knowing that she is having the time of her life and growing.

Last time when I was 19 weeks along we had just purchased our crib and stroller and were so excited to be in the "safe zone". The next step was getting his bedding made and getting the the fun part.. SHOWERS. Oh how I was so excited to celebrate Logan and our first little boy coming into this world with the people we love and would get to share our sweet boy with.. but the lord had another plan for us.

 Five short weeks later the biggest shock happened and I delivered our sweet little boy Logan. I remember feeling so calm and at peace during all the crazy scary stuff because I knew everything would work out the way it was supposed too. Than the days got hard really hard. I felt so lost in the world. My nightmare had actually come true. I was devastated and heartbroken. I got by knowing I'd be with him again but that hasn't taken my heartache away or the need to hold him and getting to know him in this life.

I wasn't sure what laid ahead for us. I had tried for 20 months to get pregnant with Logan and I did NOT want to go through that again. Just the thought of trying month after month gave me anxiety. I knew of a lot of people trying for their second child and I still had yet felt the joy of First experiences. Like bringing a brand new baby home from the hospital, and holding my baby right after they were born. Logan was instantly taken to the NICU and I didn't get to see him for about 3 more hours.

As these next two months approach I have a lot of fear and anxiety. My 24 week mark is only 5 weeks away.. Logan's first birthday is in about 10 weeks. Can I do this?

As you read this you probably think I don't care about this little girl as much as Logan. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want Logan SO bad but I do want this little girl just as much! I love her so much already but I miss my little boy too. It is hard to grasp that if Logan had been born when he was supposed to be than I wouldn't be having this little girl. I mean I guess I could but that would mean one busy mama.

I just want to get to December and these next few months fly by so I know that I am in more of a "safe zone" for her.

Little Girl

I love you so much!

I can't wait to hold you in my arms for the first time

I look forward to bringing you home and waking up in the middle of the night to feed you.

I can't wait to watch you grow, laugh and learn.

Little girl please come home with me.. help heal my heart.

I feel your big brothers love for you and the special bond you two have.

He will always be talked about in our home and how he made it possible for you to come to us!

18.5 weeks along. I think I am bigger this time around but I am okay with that.. I want to see what I look like fully pregnant this time!