Success! Thank You

Thank you to everyone who was able to donate for Logan's Buddies. I was amazed at how many people donated and how many buddies we were able to get. 47 buddies to be exact..WOW! 

This was a way for me to heal and do something wonderful in my son's name. I wanted his experience and spirit to comfort and love other babies and families. 

At first when we started it I was hoping that he would be in the NICU during Christmas and it would be a way to bring comfort to the families spending that day at the hospital. However, things took a turn for the worst and I wasn't sure what to do about it anymore. I felt embarrassed asking people to donate because I didn't want anyone to feel obligated. That's when I was so touched by how many people Logan had touched while he was here on earth. Such a sweet little guy had such a BIG impact. 

My sister Sheena is a nurse at McKay on the peds floor. She was working the other day and was in a patients room and noticed he had a Scentsy buddy. (they had so many that they gave a few to the peds floor) 

It happened to be the Lion which was Logan's buddy. She said that she immediately felt like Logan was there with her. I was glad I was able to hear a little bit about the effect it has had on other families. I know my buddy is what I hold when my arms feel empty and sad. Although, Roarbert was a lot bigger than Logan was. 

Logan's trademark is Lion's. At first I was going to do a monkey safari themed room but when my mom and I went to pick out his fabric none of the monkey fabric was what I was quite looking for. Than I found THE cutest fabric ever. It was safari themed but with Lions, giraffes, elephants, and hippos. The colors were perfect and the animals were more vintage looking than cartoon like. I fell in love immediately. So I ordered Roarbert the Lion from the Scentsy Buddies and it sat in his closet waiting to be placed in his crib. 

After we had Logan, I was so grateful I already had his lion because I was able to bring him up to the NICU to "watch over" my baby while I couldn't be there. I never thought that Scentsy buddies would hold such a special place in my heart. These will be baby gifts for all future cousins, friends, and my babies. Because I want Logan to always watch over the ones I love. 

Feelings

It's hard to believe that I would be miserable and big and pregnant right now but I am not. That makes me sad. I wish I was getting my bag ready for the hospital and all his things washed and ready for him to come home. I wish I had all his showers and was able to see all the cute tiny things for him. Instead I picked out his headstone. That wasn't really fun to say the least.

So many times I wish I just had another child so that I didn't feel like I had to have a baby any time soon. I know I don't have to have one but I would like to be a mother and I am ready for that but if I had another child it would help feel that void of being empty. I'd have a sweet little child to hug me and call me mom and say don't cry mommy I love you. I ache so badly to hear those words.

I also have been really sick and not sure what it is. At first I thought it was the flu but not it has been going on for over a month and I am really sick of it. I can't plan to go out to eat anywhere or eat hardly anything. I guess its been a good weight loss. I only have 5 pounds to my

pre- pregnancy weight without working out. As I was writing this post my Midwife called me and said I have bacteria in my stomach so now I get to go on anti biotics and get better yay!!!! Glad there was a reason for my misery.

I am done waiting but I am scared out of my mind to get pregnant again. I am scared that I will be sick this time because I wasn't with Logan. I am scared that something different will go wrong. I am scared about a lot of things. I have this empty quiet house that is ready to be filled with crying, pooping, sleeping, laughing babies!

I can't wait to change diapers, late night feedings to bond with my baby, have a normal delivery where I actually get to hold my baby right after I had him/her rather than worry if they are still alive. Actually enjoy being in the hospital surrounded by healthy crying babies rather than wishing I didn't have to hear them.

Onto another note. read this blog she has written it out exactly how I feel!



The Hardest Part..

I know seriously 3 posts in 2 days?! Whats wrong with me?! It just feels good to write so I am going to write.

So I have been thinking. I think a lot when I am home or just chilling. Sometimes that isn't a good thing. I have been so grateful for this little job I have had the past month to keep my mind off of things. I get exhausted from tears and being upset so it has just been nice to focus on something else for a bit.

The hardest part is I wanted this baby so badly. I have never wanted anything more in my life. When you decide your ready to be a mom you are ready. There is no going back. You basically surround yourself with baby on your mind. Everywhere you look someone has a baby in a car seat or in their arms. Literally it is ALL you can think of becoming a mom.

So when I decided that I was ready to be a mom this basically happened to me. It got worse the longer it took. Than tears started every time I heard someone was pregnant or got a negative test. I was devastated. FINALLY after 2o months I got my test. it was MY turn to be in pure bliss! I took in every little thing about pregnancy. I swore I wouldn't complain. I enjoyed every moment with him. He was an answer to my prayers. I couldn't wait to see how big my belly would get. I couldn't wait to have showers. I couldn't wait to decorate his nursery. I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms and have him for keeps.

This is the hardest part because I am ready to be a mom and now I feel like I have to wait even LONGER....................... each day is like a year for me. I am so ready to be a mommy, not to someone else's kid but my own baby.

I actually get jealous of others who are pregnant. I try guessing how far along they are. Thinking they have no idea how lucky they are. What a beautiful blessing to be able to carry a baby full term. I am so grateful Logan took the challenge he did to bless his siblings so the doctors know what to do to get them here safe.

Thank you everyone who has kept us in your prayers you have no idea how much it has helped us. I am getting a little better starting to see the blessings rather than all the horrible things. I am trying to find the good out of this nightmare and letting my heavenly father back in. I love you all!  

Vegas Vacation

The week after Christmas Jay D didn't have to work so we decided to take off to Vegas to visit my sister Sheena and her little family. We didn't really have plans but thought it might be the last time we can visit for a while. We enjoyed the beautiful weather, food, and company. It was a perfect getaway and got my mind off of everything. It was much needed after the crazy holidays.

Autumn didn't want to get in the picture.. but I did her hair isn't it cute?

 We drove up to St. George to eat with my grandpa and his wife Joann because he got us gift cards to Chuck a rama! It was fun to see them and enjoy the gift he got us with him!

I've always wanted to go to Serendipity but they were booked so we went to The Sugar Factory instead. We got pizza and it was really good but the frozen hot chocolate wasn't very tasty.

On New Years Eve (my birthday) we went to Osaka's it is like tepenyakis. It was good but if you can tell I look sickly in this picture.. and it hit me after dinner. No fun to be sick on my birthday. I missed out on all the games and fun for the rest of the evening.

Our cook was very talented. He was fun to watch

Here is the pool. I didn't get a picture with us swimming but wanted to show how nice it is. We swam and it was so much fun!

Thanks to my sister letting us come crash and invade her space for a week and get away! We had a blast and enjoyed their company. I miss having my sister so close to me. We used to watch all our shows together since we lived 5 min away from each other but I am happy for their new adventure and maybe we'll move down there one day! It is SOO nice down there and there is so much to do!



Happy New Years!

I'm not gonna lie. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy reading blogs. I wish blogging was still the thing to do. I feel as it is a way to keep up with people but also document life events and feelings.

I hope I haven't offended too many people with my previous blog posts. That was not my intentions. I just decided that I put it on my blog for me and for anyone who chooses to read them. Not to hurt feelings. So I hope I haven't done so.

As for the year 2012 I have decided to write down some resolutions.

Last year I wanted to become for organized and clean. Did I accomplish this goal not how I had hoped BUT I did make some progress. I plan on continuing this resolution until I feel completely organized and clean.

I also want to become a better me. Eating healthier and exercising more and feeling better about myself. I don't necessarily look in the mirror and think good things about myself. I used to be confident and feel good about myself. It doesn't help that I have baby weight and plan on getting pregnant again soon (crossing my fingers it happens fast) but until that happens and after I want to feel good on the inside and outside. I'm not saying I want to be a size 0 I just want to try on a pair of jeans and not feel like they fit too tight.

I want to reach out to others and help them. I want to be a better friend and neighbor. A better YW leader.

I have another post soon but I have misplaced my camera.. until than.

PS. I also plan on documenting my next pregnancy from the start. I wish I had more pictures of when I was pregnant with Logan. The last one I have is two weeks before I had him. Bummer =-(