Feelings

It's hard to believe that I would be miserable and big and pregnant right now but I am not. That makes me sad. I wish I was getting my bag ready for the hospital and all his things washed and ready for him to come home. I wish I had all his showers and was able to see all the cute tiny things for him. Instead I picked out his headstone. That wasn't really fun to say the least.

So many times I wish I just had another child so that I didn't feel like I had to have a baby any time soon. I know I don't have to have one but I would like to be a mother and I am ready for that but if I had another child it would help feel that void of being empty. I'd have a sweet little child to hug me and call me mom and say don't cry mommy I love you. I ache so badly to hear those words.

I also have been really sick and not sure what it is. At first I thought it was the flu but not it has been going on for over a month and I am really sick of it. I can't plan to go out to eat anywhere or eat hardly anything. I guess its been a good weight loss. I only have 5 pounds to my

pre- pregnancy weight without working out. As I was writing this post my Midwife called me and said I have bacteria in my stomach so now I get to go on anti biotics and get better yay!!!! Glad there was a reason for my misery.

I am done waiting but I am scared out of my mind to get pregnant again. I am scared that I will be sick this time because I wasn't with Logan. I am scared that something different will go wrong. I am scared about a lot of things. I have this empty quiet house that is ready to be filled with crying, pooping, sleeping, laughing babies!

I can't wait to change diapers, late night feedings to bond with my baby, have a normal delivery where I actually get to hold my baby right after I had him/her rather than worry if they are still alive. Actually enjoy being in the hospital surrounded by healthy crying babies rather than wishing I didn't have to hear them.

Onto another note. read this blog she has written it out exactly how I feel!