Private Blog/Open Blog

So I have decided to keep our family blog open for fun and exciting posts and I have made my Dear Logan blog private for my grieving and loss side of things. You are welcome to ask for a invite if you'd like to be updated with that and I will post my updates on this blog so you know when my private blog is updated.

I was torn because I had received messages from so many people sharing that they had felt like what I was saying needed to be heard and I agree, however, some people can't handle that side of things and I respect that. Pregnancy loss IS hard and Infertility IS hard. It is hard to deal and it IS hard to hear others are pregnant and I can't explain to you why but it just is.

Thank you and if you'd like an invite to my other blog please feel free to leave your e-mail.

To help you understand.

I tried putting it on my blog but it wasn't working SO go to 

THIS BLOG 

to read something to help you understand what I am going through. 

Thanks

5 months

If you are still reading my blog than you are pretty crazy to still be reading it after 5 months of my grieving. Good days and bad days. 

5 months, has it really been that long? My Logan would be 5 months today. I often think of how my world would be so different than it is right now. I would be at home taking care of my tiny little guy and snuggling him to pieces. I probably wouldn't be sleeping through the night or sitting on the couch all day watching TV. I wonder how big he would be by now and if he would be smiling considering he was a NICU baby they develop later. I miss holding, kissing, smelling him. 

I hate that his carseat & stroller sit in a box unused. I hate that his crib has no mattress and sits incomplete. I hate that all his cute outfits I can't bare to put away or give away. Many time I have considered giving his things away as gifts or putting them away in a box but I than my heart drops and I think no I can't. I get angry that I won't get good use out of my car seat and stroller because they will be older than a year by the time we have a baby but still brand new never been used. 

I hate that it isn't my turn anymore and I just need to accept it. That everyone around me continues to get pregnant ,continues to have babies and continues to find out what they are having. Time is moving forward and that is probably the hardest part about time that everyone else is pregnant and I am not. (not everyone but a lot of people) Some days I wish I could move out of Utah where having babies at my age is abnormal. Where people are into their careers and not even thinking about having babies but now in Utah we are surrounded by pregnant women and babies galore. Now I don't want you to get the wrong idea here. No I do not break down into tears when I see a baby and yes I still think they are really cute. I have a harder time with boys. I can't help but think what would Logan look like right now. Would he look like that blond little guy over there? etc. 

I remember as he was passing away I wanted to remember his smell, remember how it felt to hold him in my arms, remember how it felt to kiss his sweet face, I remember touching his tiny fingers and remembering how it felt to have him hold my finger. I tried to remember how it felt to have his warm little body in my arms or on my shoulder. I tried to remember his little face and how he responded to our voices. The memories are still there and I will always hold onto them but as the time goes on they faintly go away. 

 The day that Logan passed away was a very long tearful emotional day. I was so tired when he passed away my body hurt, my eyes were puffy and raw, my nose had snot running down my face and the tissues at the hospital were horrible (bring your own box). We were surrounded by our families and the spirit of our savior was the strongest I have ever felt in my entire 23 years of life. 

I remember thinking I am too young for this. When we went to the funeral home I did not want to do any of it. I just kept thinking NO I am too young for this there should be an age limit. From Monday to Saturday it was the longest craziest week of my life. There were so many things to be done but yet I didn't want to do any of them. I just wanted everyone to do it for me but there were decisions to be made and someone had to make them. 

I am 5 months closer and 5 months away from him. Almost a half of a year has passed. 

To Logan.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Whenever I see a rainbow I think of you. 

Not a day goes by that I don't look at you.

I will always feel my love for you in my heart. 

As time passes by I fall more in love with you. 

A mothers love is unbreakable. 

I am a mother.   

It's No Secret

I don't think it's a secret to anyone that we have been trying for a baby again. Honestly, I had very high hopes that we would be pregnant by now. I hear that other mothers get pregnant really fast and I also hear of mothers who are still trying over a year later. I don't want to be that mom.

I need a lot of prayers my way. Not only to get pregnant but to remain calm and feel peace that it will happen when it is right for us. I am about ready to pull my hair out. Working at a salon has a lot of perks but it also has a lot of down sides to it. I get to hear about EVERYONES pregnancy's. Depending on the day it can affect my emotions. I just want to ask nicely can you please talk about something else...like maybe someone got engaged??? I am okay hearing about engagements.. but please don't end talking about someone who just got married that they are now pregnant and have only been married for a month. I might come and find their address and slap them  (ha ha just kidding). But really people is pregnancy the only thing to talk about?! Isn't their anything else more exciting to talk about? I get that babies are really cute, cuddly and exciting...

I think most people who have never experienced a loss or any kind of infertility will never understand how our sad poor group feels and that is okay but at least TRY to understand. Try to be sympathetic. If your pregnant and your really good friend or sister or sister in law has experienced a loss or is experiencing infertility and hasn't received their rainbow baby. Tell them in person by themselves out of public and give them a REALLY big hug and understand when they start crying. Don't get all moody and expect them to put a huge smile on their face and act like it doesn't hurt when we hear someone we are close to is pregnant. It does hurt and it will probably always hurt until we angel mothers have our own baby in our arms.

I have made little stepping stones along the way. I have held a newborn but she was a girl. I have yet to hold a newborn baby boy. This will be a hard step for me. One of my good friends is expecting a sweet little boy in May. I am nervous at how I will react but I know that she will understand because she has really been there for me through some of my hardest days. She knows how I feel and she doesn't judge me for feeling that way. I am so grateful she has had the ability to be understanding of my feelings and not de-friend me because she is too scared to be around me because she is pregnant.

Okay along that line. Just because your pregnant don't automatically assume I hate you because guess what? I don't hate you. Am I jealous.. probably but  that is the natural man in me and I am working to try and beat the jealousy and just be excited for you too.

I haven't been invited to any baby showers yet. Will I go? I am not sure. We will see how I feel that day. Some days rock and I feel awesome and I see babies and think happy thoughts for them and than other days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for myself.

It is difficult in our families for me because it seems like everything revolves around the grand kids. Jay D and I are both the youngest in our families so we are surrounded by nieces and nephews. It makes me so sad that Logan doesn't get to be apart of any holiday fun or fun camping trips with Nana and Papa or bear lake boat rides with Grammy and Papa. It breaks my heart break. I just have to remember that my turn will come but I am SO sick of being patient and I am going to be honest I hope my turn is next in line in our families but I wouldn't be surprised if it is not.

Best of EFY

Today I had the treat of going to Best of EFY with my Young Women. I will not lie when I say I really didn't want to go. The thought of giving up more than half of my saturday to go to an Young Women activity didn't sound too exciting. Saturdays are when I try to catch up on house projects and spend time with Jay D & truthfully I haven't been to open to the spirit lately or wanting to do anything with church. However, Heavenly Father knew I needed to be there and blessed me to feel the spirit. 

I have never been good at reading my scriptures daily or praying both morning and night but I do know that I have had times in my life where the spirit has been so strong that I can not deny that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. I have been blessed to be uplifted in extremely low times in my life. I have felt the spirit so strong in times that I have truly needed to feel it. I have never been left alone even though there have been many times these last few months I have felt VERY alone. 

I can not remember the name of the lady that spoke today but I was truly touched by what she shared with us. She explained that she had the typical BYU experience by meeting her husband and getting married in the SLC Temple. All the things happened to her that she said she would never do meaning, getting married young to someone she met at BYU, Taking her babies to class with her, etc. you get the idea.

 She explained that things never work out the way we have planned for ourselves because someone else has a bigger plan for us. In 2007 her husband was feeling really sick and he felt like something was off. He went to the ER and they gave him some meds and sent him home. After the meds wore off he was back to feeling the same way. They decided to admit him because they could not find out what was wrong with him. Over the weekend they ran tests to figure out what was wrong. Monday morning they found a diagnosis that he had stage 4 melanoma cancer. 

People knew they were very religious and would ask why would your god do this to you? You have 5 children and are so young why? He would reply Why not me? Now that takes a very faithful person to say those words. I have yet to say those words. Immediately I felt the spirit and knew I needed to change my outlook on the way I am handling things. 

Her husband would pray to ask for strength and to remember the many blessings he had in his time of trial rather than looking at all the horrible things that were happening to him in his time of trial. We should pray & seek to understand our situation. I know with my trial I find it most difficult to kneel down in prayer because usually when I need it most is when I am so angry and mad about the situation I can't kneel down and ask for help when I am so angry. 

Anyways, her talk touched me in so many ways. She was able to explain her time of trial not only in a eternal perspective but in a way of explaining how she leaned on the scriptures and the lord for strength and guidance during her trail. I am so grateful for the knowledge of eternal families but hearing about it all the time does not take my heartache and pain away that I am feeling now. It only gives me a sense of peace and comfort that I will get to raise Logan again but that wait is like asking a kid to not eat the cookies right in front of their face. 

These past few days have been extremely hard. I don't know if its because I have been home a lone a lot lately and feel extremely lonely or the fact that on those days I don't seem to get up off the couch or get anything done. I continue to put myself down for many reasons. I haven't felt like I am good at anything or bring anything good to our little family. I just cry and feel sorry for myself most of the time. But I do know that the Lord understands me and is there to lift me up when I am ready. 

I want to lean on the scriptures and the lord like this loving wife did as she slowly watched her husband die. I am working on my strength and finding who this new me is?!