Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
10 month thoughts
I wrote this today as I was pondering my feelings. I thought I would share how I feel at this point of my grieving. I write on here because I need a place I can share my thoughts and feelings of my heartache.
Some people may get annoyed of my heartache for my son or they are unsure of how to talk about what happened to our little boy. That is okay I understand it is difficult to know if you're saying the right thing but know I am not afraid to hear his name or share his story or talk about how much I miss him.
In my eyes it is no different than new mothers sharing adorable photos of their beautiful new babies or sharing all of the new things they are learning. I look forward to that day with baby girl but for now I need to share my son and I need to know people care and they do oh how I know they do but I hate how it feels like birds are chirping in the background when I bring up his name or mention I do have a child his name is Logan and he only lived 5 days.
Why are we afraid to talk of loved ones who have passed on. I know his days were few and I was only able to create a few memories with him but oh how I cherish them and need to share them just like a new mother wants to share her stories.
Some people may get annoyed of my heartache for my son or they are unsure of how to talk about what happened to our little boy. That is okay I understand it is difficult to know if you're saying the right thing but know I am not afraid to hear his name or share his story or talk about how much I miss him.
In my eyes it is no different than new mothers sharing adorable photos of their beautiful new babies or sharing all of the new things they are learning. I look forward to that day with baby girl but for now I need to share my son and I need to know people care and they do oh how I know they do but I hate how it feels like birds are chirping in the background when I bring up his name or mention I do have a child his name is Logan and he only lived 5 days.
Why are we afraid to talk of loved ones who have passed on. I know his days were few and I was only able to create a few memories with him but oh how I cherish them and need to share them just like a new mother wants to share her stories.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Time Flies..19 weeks
Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks along with this sweet little girl. This morning I felt her moving the most I have felt her move so far. It is such a relief feeling her move around and knowing that she is having the time of her life and growing.
Last time when I was 19 weeks along we had just purchased our crib and stroller and were so excited to be in the "safe zone". The next step was getting his bedding made and getting the the fun part.. SHOWERS. Oh how I was so excited to celebrate Logan and our first little boy coming into this world with the people we love and would get to share our sweet boy with.. but the lord had another plan for us.
Five short weeks later the biggest shock happened and I delivered our sweet little boy Logan. I remember feeling so calm and at peace during all the crazy scary stuff because I knew everything would work out the way it was supposed too. Than the days got hard really hard. I felt so lost in the world. My nightmare had actually come true. I was devastated and heartbroken. I got by knowing I'd be with him again but that hasn't taken my heartache away or the need to hold him and getting to know him in this life.
I wasn't sure what laid ahead for us. I had tried for 20 months to get pregnant with Logan and I did NOT want to go through that again. Just the thought of trying month after month gave me anxiety. I knew of a lot of people trying for their second child and I still had yet felt the joy of First experiences. Like bringing a brand new baby home from the hospital, and holding my baby right after they were born. Logan was instantly taken to the NICU and I didn't get to see him for about 3 more hours.
As these next two months approach I have a lot of fear and anxiety. My 24 week mark is only 5 weeks away.. Logan's first birthday is in about 10 weeks. Can I do this?
As you read this you probably think I don't care about this little girl as much as Logan. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want Logan SO bad but I do want this little girl just as much! I love her so much already but I miss my little boy too. It is hard to grasp that if Logan had been born when he was supposed to be than I wouldn't be having this little girl. I mean I guess I could but that would mean one busy mama.
I just want to get to December and these next few months fly by so I know that I am in more of a "safe zone" for her.
.JPG)
Last time when I was 19 weeks along we had just purchased our crib and stroller and were so excited to be in the "safe zone". The next step was getting his bedding made and getting the the fun part.. SHOWERS. Oh how I was so excited to celebrate Logan and our first little boy coming into this world with the people we love and would get to share our sweet boy with.. but the lord had another plan for us.
Five short weeks later the biggest shock happened and I delivered our sweet little boy Logan. I remember feeling so calm and at peace during all the crazy scary stuff because I knew everything would work out the way it was supposed too. Than the days got hard really hard. I felt so lost in the world. My nightmare had actually come true. I was devastated and heartbroken. I got by knowing I'd be with him again but that hasn't taken my heartache away or the need to hold him and getting to know him in this life.
I wasn't sure what laid ahead for us. I had tried for 20 months to get pregnant with Logan and I did NOT want to go through that again. Just the thought of trying month after month gave me anxiety. I knew of a lot of people trying for their second child and I still had yet felt the joy of First experiences. Like bringing a brand new baby home from the hospital, and holding my baby right after they were born. Logan was instantly taken to the NICU and I didn't get to see him for about 3 more hours.
As these next two months approach I have a lot of fear and anxiety. My 24 week mark is only 5 weeks away.. Logan's first birthday is in about 10 weeks. Can I do this?
As you read this you probably think I don't care about this little girl as much as Logan. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want Logan SO bad but I do want this little girl just as much! I love her so much already but I miss my little boy too. It is hard to grasp that if Logan had been born when he was supposed to be than I wouldn't be having this little girl. I mean I guess I could but that would mean one busy mama.
I just want to get to December and these next few months fly by so I know that I am in more of a "safe zone" for her.
Little Girl
I love you so much!
I can't wait to hold you in my arms for the first time
I look forward to bringing you home and waking up in the middle of the night to feed you.
I can't wait to watch you grow, laugh and learn.
Little girl please come home with me.. help heal my heart.
I feel your big brothers love for you and the special bond you two have.
He will always be talked about in our home and how he made it possible for you to come to us!
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18.5 weeks along. I think I am bigger this time around but I am okay with that.. I want to see what I look like fully pregnant this time!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
17 Weeks
17 weeks already? Wow! I am so glad to be to this point but also just want to fast forward the next 5 months. I just want her here in my arms nice and chubby and bring her home with us. I love her so much already.
Compared to my pregnancy with Logan I feel like I am 10 times more worried and anxious of things happening. I am trying so hard to stay calm. I don't want my anxiety to hurt baby girl. I am just so grateful for my care providers who care for me and want her here just as much as we do.
This past week has probably been my most emotional week during this pregnancy. Finding out the sex of the baby has made things more real for us and I want to plan out her life than there is the side of me thinking well I might just have to plan another funeral. That is what I mean when I talk about wanting a "normal" pregnancy. Not having to worry about if I will plan a funeral more than planning out things I will do with her. I understand most mothers worry about something happening to their baby's while they are pregnant but I think it is a little different when you have already lost a baby.
It is like riding a roller coaster. One minute I am planning what we are going to do together and the next I am pulling myself away from going that far. So I want this pregnancy to FLY by so I can be a mommy finally and bring her home and love her so much with hugs and kisses. I just want to hold my very own baby. I am done holding everyone else's. I mean they are cute but they aren't my babies. I want my baby that wants me over everyone else. So if I don't ask to hold your baby don't be offended my arms are waiting for my little girl. I hope you understand.
.JPG)
Compared to my pregnancy with Logan I feel like I am 10 times more worried and anxious of things happening. I am trying so hard to stay calm. I don't want my anxiety to hurt baby girl. I am just so grateful for my care providers who care for me and want her here just as much as we do.
This past week has probably been my most emotional week during this pregnancy. Finding out the sex of the baby has made things more real for us and I want to plan out her life than there is the side of me thinking well I might just have to plan another funeral. That is what I mean when I talk about wanting a "normal" pregnancy. Not having to worry about if I will plan a funeral more than planning out things I will do with her. I understand most mothers worry about something happening to their baby's while they are pregnant but I think it is a little different when you have already lost a baby.
It is like riding a roller coaster. One minute I am planning what we are going to do together and the next I am pulling myself away from going that far. So I want this pregnancy to FLY by so I can be a mommy finally and bring her home and love her so much with hugs and kisses. I just want to hold my very own baby. I am done holding everyone else's. I mean they are cute but they aren't my babies. I want my baby that wants me over everyone else. So if I don't ask to hold your baby don't be offended my arms are waiting for my little girl. I hope you understand.
15 Weeks
Her tiny footprint
5 weeks
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Monday, July 16, 2012
4 Wonderful Years!
I have been wanting to do a fun post lately and thought that I would save it for our 4 year Anniversary and document all of the wonderful things we have been able to do together and start together. Here it goes:
July 16th, 2008 We were sealed for Time & all Eternity in the Ogden LDS Temple
Spent our Honeymoon in Orlando, FL at Disney World! I want to go back SO bad! Although it was hot and we were sweaty it was so much fun!
6 months later my sister found an unbelievable deal on airfare to Orlando again...so we took off to Disney World again because it was SO cheap... we couldn't resist and I have NO regrets of going twice in one year.
We've gone to Bear Lake a ton in between these times.
We bought our First Home! (You should see it now this is right after we bought it)
We went to Las Vegas to a Hair Show with some great friends of ours! First time I was allowed to Gamble.
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We went to Mexico for our first time with my parents and sister Sheena and her Hubby Nick.
In September we headed on the long wide open road to DISNEYLAND with Jay D's Family and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel and it was so much fun!
In 2011 last minute we decided to go to Hawaii for 10 wonderful best decision we ever made days with my parents and again my sister and her family!
In 2011 last minute we decided to go to Hawaii for 10 wonderful best decision we ever made days with my parents and again my sister and her family!
End of May of 2011 we found out that we were expecting our first baby!
It's a Boy!
October 19th, 2011 our lives changed forever and we were surprised with an early arrival of our sweet little boy Logan who made us a mom and dad. He was with us shortly and has changed our lives forever!
May 2012 we found out we we're expecting baby #2 15 weeks along now!
Jay D and I have been able to make a lot of memories together and travel a ton. These last 4 years have been the absolute best with a little worst in there... but thanks to this wonderful guy I have in my life I still have a smile on my face and I am still chugging along. Jay D you are my best friend and I love you so much! Thank you for being the perfect dad for our perfect little boy Logan and soon to be another little one that we will bring home with us this time. =-)
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