Heart Breaking

As Logan's due date get closer the pain is just getting hard to bare again. The tears are flowing and the headaches come after. The anxiety comes back. All my friends who were due around the same time as me have had their babies and my arms are empty. As they get to take home their bundles of joy and sit at home wishing I was bringing Logan home to our home full of love. My heart is breaking all over again.

I was secretly hoping I would get pregnant the first month of trying so when his due date came at least I could have something to look forward too but I ended up being really sick in January and that ended up being at the bottom of my list because I didn't need another reason for another baby gone in my life. As time moves forward more people announce their pregnancy and more people have their babies. I am now apart of a group where I am more in tune with losses of babies so I hear about it more but I am also apart of that where healthy babies are being born. I am so happy for them and that they don't suffer the pain that I have every day but I also am jealous of the joy and bliss that they feel as they hold their new precious baby in their arms for the first time knowing that it is a relief that they got here safely.

I have tried to be strong and stay positive but there are days that I just break down. I just want to hold Logan in my arms and kiss his sweet little face and see his eyes open, Kiss his tiny sweet toes, and him just to be all mine! Thank you for all of you who have commented it really helps me and helps me know that I am not alone in this and there are a lot of people out there who love us and are concerned for us! So thank you! They can help me on a rough day!

I read this quote on facebook and loved it!

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that, is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

Just when..

Just when everything seems to start feeling normal again I fall back down. I think I am making some progress and the tears start falling . I can't believe that 3 months ago I was planning my sons funeral. I can't believe his spirit is gone from this earth. On the outside I look normal but on the inside my heart is breaking. 

I often feel like the death of a baby is down sized. It can't be as hard as losing a child who actually grew up and learned to talk and walk but guess what it has been pretty hard on me. I had plans for Logan! As soon as I found out he was a boy I started thinking about his nursery. I started thinking what it would be like to hold him in my arms for the first time. I started thinking about his blessing day and who would be there. I had anticipated all of these moments awaiting for there arrival.  Lately I have had a difficult time around babies. I don't want to be around them or hear about them. That sounds cruel but all I can think about is how I was suppose to have Logan in my arms any day now and bringing him home and I don't get to now but it seems as  though all the people surrounding me are bringing home healthy full term babies and I can't help but be jealous. Until I am pregnant again or have a baby in my arms I will probably struggle with this. 

I have found strength from other mothers who have lost their babies who might understand what I am feeling a little bit better. It is like you have this special bond automatically and they just understand if at any moment you are going to break down into tears and that is okay if you do cry. I wish crying wasn't such a shameful thing. Automatically if someone is crying its awkward and you don't want anyone to see you. Why does it have to be that way? Why can't someone just put their arm around you and be a shoulder to cry on and try to understand that is apart of the grieving process. (some people do)

I am not good with words or writing but it makes me feel a little bit better on a sad day. I am so grateful for the people who are patient with me and do not get bothered when I talk about Logan so much and the what ifs and the heartache I feel of not having him here. I understand that it may be overwhelming and annoying at times but I truly need to do it and am so grateful whenever anyone is willing to listen to me talk about him and the heartache I feel because bottling it up is just to hard. 

Success! Thank You

Thank you to everyone who was able to donate for Logan's Buddies. I was amazed at how many people donated and how many buddies we were able to get. 47 buddies to be exact..WOW! 

This was a way for me to heal and do something wonderful in my son's name. I wanted his experience and spirit to comfort and love other babies and families. 

At first when we started it I was hoping that he would be in the NICU during Christmas and it would be a way to bring comfort to the families spending that day at the hospital. However, things took a turn for the worst and I wasn't sure what to do about it anymore. I felt embarrassed asking people to donate because I didn't want anyone to feel obligated. That's when I was so touched by how many people Logan had touched while he was here on earth. Such a sweet little guy had such a BIG impact. 

My sister Sheena is a nurse at McKay on the peds floor. She was working the other day and was in a patients room and noticed he had a Scentsy buddy. (they had so many that they gave a few to the peds floor) 

It happened to be the Lion which was Logan's buddy. She said that she immediately felt like Logan was there with her. I was glad I was able to hear a little bit about the effect it has had on other families. I know my buddy is what I hold when my arms feel empty and sad. Although, Roarbert was a lot bigger than Logan was. 

Logan's trademark is Lion's. At first I was going to do a monkey safari themed room but when my mom and I went to pick out his fabric none of the monkey fabric was what I was quite looking for. Than I found THE cutest fabric ever. It was safari themed but with Lions, giraffes, elephants, and hippos. The colors were perfect and the animals were more vintage looking than cartoon like. I fell in love immediately. So I ordered Roarbert the Lion from the Scentsy Buddies and it sat in his closet waiting to be placed in his crib. 

After we had Logan, I was so grateful I already had his lion because I was able to bring him up to the NICU to "watch over" my baby while I couldn't be there. I never thought that Scentsy buddies would hold such a special place in my heart. These will be baby gifts for all future cousins, friends, and my babies. Because I want Logan to always watch over the ones I love. 

Feelings

It's hard to believe that I would be miserable and big and pregnant right now but I am not. That makes me sad. I wish I was getting my bag ready for the hospital and all his things washed and ready for him to come home. I wish I had all his showers and was able to see all the cute tiny things for him. Instead I picked out his headstone. That wasn't really fun to say the least.

So many times I wish I just had another child so that I didn't feel like I had to have a baby any time soon. I know I don't have to have one but I would like to be a mother and I am ready for that but if I had another child it would help feel that void of being empty. I'd have a sweet little child to hug me and call me mom and say don't cry mommy I love you. I ache so badly to hear those words.

I also have been really sick and not sure what it is. At first I thought it was the flu but not it has been going on for over a month and I am really sick of it. I can't plan to go out to eat anywhere or eat hardly anything. I guess its been a good weight loss. I only have 5 pounds to my

pre- pregnancy weight without working out. As I was writing this post my Midwife called me and said I have bacteria in my stomach so now I get to go on anti biotics and get better yay!!!! Glad there was a reason for my misery.

I am done waiting but I am scared out of my mind to get pregnant again. I am scared that I will be sick this time because I wasn't with Logan. I am scared that something different will go wrong. I am scared about a lot of things. I have this empty quiet house that is ready to be filled with crying, pooping, sleeping, laughing babies!

I can't wait to change diapers, late night feedings to bond with my baby, have a normal delivery where I actually get to hold my baby right after I had him/her rather than worry if they are still alive. Actually enjoy being in the hospital surrounded by healthy crying babies rather than wishing I didn't have to hear them.

Onto another note. read this blog she has written it out exactly how I feel!



The Hardest Part..

I know seriously 3 posts in 2 days?! Whats wrong with me?! It just feels good to write so I am going to write.

So I have been thinking. I think a lot when I am home or just chilling. Sometimes that isn't a good thing. I have been so grateful for this little job I have had the past month to keep my mind off of things. I get exhausted from tears and being upset so it has just been nice to focus on something else for a bit.

The hardest part is I wanted this baby so badly. I have never wanted anything more in my life. When you decide your ready to be a mom you are ready. There is no going back. You basically surround yourself with baby on your mind. Everywhere you look someone has a baby in a car seat or in their arms. Literally it is ALL you can think of becoming a mom.

So when I decided that I was ready to be a mom this basically happened to me. It got worse the longer it took. Than tears started every time I heard someone was pregnant or got a negative test. I was devastated. FINALLY after 2o months I got my test. it was MY turn to be in pure bliss! I took in every little thing about pregnancy. I swore I wouldn't complain. I enjoyed every moment with him. He was an answer to my prayers. I couldn't wait to see how big my belly would get. I couldn't wait to have showers. I couldn't wait to decorate his nursery. I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms and have him for keeps.

This is the hardest part because I am ready to be a mom and now I feel like I have to wait even LONGER....................... each day is like a year for me. I am so ready to be a mommy, not to someone else's kid but my own baby.

I actually get jealous of others who are pregnant. I try guessing how far along they are. Thinking they have no idea how lucky they are. What a beautiful blessing to be able to carry a baby full term. I am so grateful Logan took the challenge he did to bless his siblings so the doctors know what to do to get them here safe.

Thank you everyone who has kept us in your prayers you have no idea how much it has helped us. I am getting a little better starting to see the blessings rather than all the horrible things. I am trying to find the good out of this nightmare and letting my heavenly father back in. I love you all!