24

24 twenty-four

 

This number has been a number I have HATED.

 

I had Logan at 24 weeks. He died on the 24th. I was really sick on my 24th birthday. When I would hear 24 I would cringe. I was afraid to ask how far along girls were because I was afraid they would say 24 weeks all nice and perky. I was jealous, envious, sad that I hadn't been able to say 24 weeks nice and perky. Instead it was I hope I can get to 30 weeks for about a day. 24 weeks is such a milestone in a pregnancy. It is more than half-way. It is 6 months along. There is a light at the end of the tunnel... my tunnel turned dark.

 

Well today 24 has a different meaning to me. I feel relief. I feel excitement. I feel hope.

 

Today I am 24 weeks 6 months along in my pregnancy and I am NOT in the hospital. I did not wake up to blood or fear...okay maybe just a little fear but that's to be expected.

 

Some highlights from this pregnancy are:

 

Between 6-14 weeks I was nauseous but never threw up but sometimes wish I would have.

I was tired and had no motivation to go anywhere and was just satisfied staying at home.

 

I got my cerclage placed at 15 weeks and the surgery went smoothly with no complications.

 

Until about 19 weeks nothing sounded good except Mexican. I wouldn't call it a craving but it was usually the only thing that sounded good to eat. I lived off of eggs & cottage cheese for weeks because sweets were disgusting and eggs & cottage cheese were full of protein.

 

I craved fruit especially raspberries the first trimester.

 

19 weeks on I started eating normal again and I put on the pounds...eek because my sweet tooth cravings suddenly came back.  I've only gained 15 pounds total so far.. hopefully that is okay. I had never seen the scale that high.

 

I actually got my glucose drink for my next apt on the 11th.. never have gotten that far into my pregnancy. I am looking forward to 25 weeks and so on. I feel like I can get through this.

 

Little girl loves to move around at night.

 

People always are asking if we have a name picked out. If you asked my husband he would probably say yes.. but if you ask me I am still waiting for another name to pop out but her middle name will for sure be Logan.

 

Only 16 weeks left.. but 15 would be okay too! I can't wait to meet her and hold her and love her!!! Let the baby girl shopping planning begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

22 Weeks so far

I am on my way to 23 weeks along..almost 6 months where my life changed so dramatically with Logan. If I can get to 25 weeks in the pregnancy I will feel as though I have hit a HUGE milestone. I have worked really hard to remain calm during this pregnancy with little sister but there have been days that have been harder than others. After going through what I did with Logan I assumed maybe things would go more smoothly and I wouldn't have too many scares but we have ran into a few bumps in the road a long the way. If you read my blog leave a comment.. I like knowing who I am sharing my raw feelings with. ha ha

 

I haven't talked much about the "bumps" in this pregnancy outside of my trust circle a.k.a parents and hubby because people seem to judge quickly. Now that I have walked over these bumps I would like to share them for the sake of keeping the details of this pregnancy for us to come back on and see what we have gone though and conquered together as a family. I often feel as though my faith and testimony is being tested and that I am an easy target for Satan because he can destroy my thoughts and confidence that I used to have in myself.

 

Other than going through the miscarriage stage of pregnancy and always worried that I could lose this little one early on things in the first trimester started out really good. Once the 2nd trimester started things started to get a lot harder for me.

 

Finding out the sex of your baby is such an exciting time for new parents. You can start planning your nursery theme and you can start picking out names for that gender specific. This time was a little different for me. Of course I didn't care what we were having I just want to bring this little girl home with me but part of me was so set on having a boy that I felt like I was grieving not getting my boy once again. I didn't have many boy things but I had Logan's bedding and some cute boy outfits already. My family has had only girls in the last 9 years and Logan was the first boy since my sisters twin boys... they are surrounded with all girl cousins. So having a boy again in the family was almost new to us. It was fun to pick out boy fabric and boy clothes for a little change. Don't get me wrong looking at girl things has been really fun and exciting but I missed out on the boy side of things so I had to conquer a new set of mind of planning on a little girl.

 

I'm not saying I won't one day have a boy, maybe I will and maybe I won't but just the thought that I had always wanted a boy first and a girl second turned out to be a little different than I had planned out in my mind. Logan would be watching out for his little sister in a different kind of way. It took me a little while to completely get excited for a girl but I was relieved that she was healthy and growing good.

 

After moving on from that moment of acceptance we were on our way to our next heartache and worry. I had an appointment with the Parinatologist at 18 weeks and I didn't know we would be getting a target ultrasound so that was a nice little surprise. Everything was looking good so far but in my mind I was so worried something would be wrong. When the Doctor came in he explained that their was a cyst on her brain that has been connected with down syndrome but was not always the case. He wanted to go over the u/s and double check everything because their are signs that are related to down syndrome. My heart dropped. Not that I would love her any less but I wondered if I could take on this new challenge. After looking over everything he said I wouldn't be worried because one sign is clenched fists and during the u/s she waved right at us with all fingers straight out. I cried a lot that day even though it was something that could go away but just the thought that something could be wrong worried me. My test results on the down syndrome test had come back negative and the other signs all looked good during the u/s. I found out at my last appt. that it had gone away and we no longer need to worry.

 

Here she is waving at us during her u/s

 

Jay D got his Degree...with our last name spelled wrong.. to be expected!

 

 

This is the fabric for baby girl's bedding... LOVE!

 

And here is the quilt I have been working on for her bedding.. so cute! can't wait until it is all finished

 

This last photo leads to our next scare during the pregnancy. Last Friday I woke up having a lot of contractions. I was so scared. Jay D had already left to work so I had my mom come up to labor and delivery with me. I was not going to sit around and second guess myself and wonder if I was doing the right things.

I had a bladder infection which I guess can cause an increase of contractions. They gave me some meds to help stop the contractions and I hung out till later that afternoon for a peace of mind. My nurse was fantastic and so nice. I was put on bed rest over labor day weekend until my appt. with the pari on Tuesday. I was so grateful for my sweet husband who took such good care of me and never complained the entire weekend as I continuously asked for more water, food and extra hugs. His parents and brother were also extremely helpful and brought us dinner and lunch over the weekend. It was nice to have a few visitors as it got boring laying in bed watching TV all weekend really fast.

 

At my appointment with the Pari everything looked good and he told me I did exactly the right thing and that I should always go up to L&D whenever I start to have contractions. He'd rather me cry wolf than be unsure. I was relieved because I get the impression some people think I am annoying and over paranoid. Well I am going to be because I want this baby more than anything in this world.

 

I look a little dumb in the picture but it explains our experience. =-) lol

 

We feel ever so grateful for the prayers from others and great family and friends. These pregnancies have been a traumatic experience in my life and I am so grateful for modern day medicine. I just might not have as many kids as I had hoped for  to keep my sanity!

Growing growing growing

Well my belly has grown a bit :)

10 month thoughts

I wrote this today as I was pondering my feelings. I thought I would share how I feel at this point of my grieving. I write on here because I need a place I can share my thoughts and feelings of my heartache.

Some people may get annoyed of my heartache for my son or they are unsure of how to talk about what happened to our little boy. That is okay I understand it is difficult to know if you're saying the right thing but know I am not afraid to hear his name or share his story or talk about how much I miss him.

In my eyes it is no different than new mothers sharing adorable photos of their beautiful new babies or sharing all of the new things they are learning. I look forward to that day with baby girl but for now I need to share my son and I need to know people care and they do oh how I know they do but I hate how it feels like birds are chirping in the background when I bring up his name or mention I do have a child his name is Logan and he only lived 5 days.

Why are we afraid to talk of loved ones who have passed on. I know his days were few and I was only able to create a few memories with him but oh how I cherish them and need to share them just like a new mother wants to share her stories.

Time Flies..19 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks along with this sweet little girl. This morning I felt her moving the most I have felt her move so far. It is such a relief feeling her move around and knowing that she is having the time of her life and growing.

Last time when I was 19 weeks along we had just purchased our crib and stroller and were so excited to be in the "safe zone". The next step was getting his bedding made and getting the the fun part.. SHOWERS. Oh how I was so excited to celebrate Logan and our first little boy coming into this world with the people we love and would get to share our sweet boy with.. but the lord had another plan for us.

 Five short weeks later the biggest shock happened and I delivered our sweet little boy Logan. I remember feeling so calm and at peace during all the crazy scary stuff because I knew everything would work out the way it was supposed too. Than the days got hard really hard. I felt so lost in the world. My nightmare had actually come true. I was devastated and heartbroken. I got by knowing I'd be with him again but that hasn't taken my heartache away or the need to hold him and getting to know him in this life.

I wasn't sure what laid ahead for us. I had tried for 20 months to get pregnant with Logan and I did NOT want to go through that again. Just the thought of trying month after month gave me anxiety. I knew of a lot of people trying for their second child and I still had yet felt the joy of First experiences. Like bringing a brand new baby home from the hospital, and holding my baby right after they were born. Logan was instantly taken to the NICU and I didn't get to see him for about 3 more hours.

As these next two months approach I have a lot of fear and anxiety. My 24 week mark is only 5 weeks away.. Logan's first birthday is in about 10 weeks. Can I do this?

As you read this you probably think I don't care about this little girl as much as Logan. Sometimes I feel guilty because I want Logan SO bad but I do want this little girl just as much! I love her so much already but I miss my little boy too. It is hard to grasp that if Logan had been born when he was supposed to be than I wouldn't be having this little girl. I mean I guess I could but that would mean one busy mama.

I just want to get to December and these next few months fly by so I know that I am in more of a "safe zone" for her.

Little Girl

I love you so much!

I can't wait to hold you in my arms for the first time

I look forward to bringing you home and waking up in the middle of the night to feed you.

I can't wait to watch you grow, laugh and learn.

Little girl please come home with me.. help heal my heart.

I feel your big brothers love for you and the special bond you two have.

He will always be talked about in our home and how he made it possible for you to come to us!

18.5 weeks along. I think I am bigger this time around but I am okay with that.. I want to see what I look like fully pregnant this time!