I know seriously 3 posts in 2 days?! Whats wrong with me?! It just feels good to write so I am going to write.
So I have been thinking. I think a lot when I am home or just chilling. Sometimes that isn't a good thing. I have been so grateful for this little job I have had the past month to keep my mind off of things. I get exhausted from tears and being upset so it has just been nice to focus on something else for a bit.
The hardest part is I wanted this baby so badly. I have never wanted anything more in my life. When you decide your ready to be a mom you are ready. There is no going back. You basically surround yourself with baby on your mind. Everywhere you look someone has a baby in a car seat or in their arms. Literally it is ALL you can think of becoming a mom.
So when I decided that I was ready to be a mom this basically happened to me. It got worse the longer it took. Than tears started every time I heard someone was pregnant or got a negative test. I was devastated. FINALLY after 2o months I got my test. it was MY turn to be in pure bliss! I took in every little thing about pregnancy. I swore I wouldn't complain. I enjoyed every moment with him. He was an answer to my prayers. I couldn't wait to see how big my belly would get. I couldn't wait to have showers. I couldn't wait to decorate his nursery. I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms and have him for keeps.
This is the hardest part because I am ready to be a mom and now I feel like I have to wait even LONGER....................... each day is like a year for me. I am so ready to be a mommy, not to someone else's kid but my own baby.
I actually get jealous of others who are pregnant. I try guessing how far along they are. Thinking they have no idea how lucky they are. What a beautiful blessing to be able to carry a baby full term. I am so grateful Logan took the challenge he did to bless his siblings so the doctors know what to do to get them here safe.
Thank you everyone who has kept us in your prayers you have no idea how much it has helped us. I am getting a little better starting to see the blessings rather than all the horrible things. I am trying to find the good out of this nightmare and letting my heavenly father back in. I love you all!
2 comments:
You sound like you are doing a little better. I know how you feel. I want you to be a mommy soooo bad too! I love you and glad we can be together again next week. Love and miss ya.. Your amazing Lars!
I'm guilty of being bad about keeping up with my own blog :( but I was happy to go through yours and wanted you to know that nothing about anything you wrote was offensive to read. It's your blog, it's your journal, and you are going through a challenging time and one you will work towards overcoming for awhile. And that is OKAY! We all have trials and I am glad you have been able to open up and talk your way through these times. That's how I would be too, I don't like to bottle things up inside. So I can at least relate on that level. I continue to pray for you each day as well as Logan. He still has a mission to fulfill whether it's on this Earth or not and I know because of his experience on this Earth with you and Jay D he will be able to do the things he has set out to do. Okay, now this is rambling..but hang in there. I may not say it often enough, but I do think about him, even though I'm far away and haven't had a chance to see any of you in so long, I haven't forgotten what a sweet son you have and expect you to introduce him to all of us someday!! :)
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