Just when everything seems to start feeling normal again I fall back down. I think I am making some progress and the tears start falling . I can't believe that 3 months ago I was planning my sons funeral. I can't believe his spirit is gone from this earth. On the outside I look normal but on the inside my heart is breaking.
I often feel like the death of a baby is down sized. It can't be as hard as losing a child who actually grew up and learned to talk and walk but guess what it has been pretty hard on me. I had plans for Logan! As soon as I found out he was a boy I started thinking about his nursery. I started thinking what it would be like to hold him in my arms for the first time. I started thinking about his blessing day and who would be there. I had anticipated all of these moments awaiting for there arrival. Lately I have had a difficult time around babies. I don't want to be around them or hear about them. That sounds cruel but all I can think about is how I was suppose to have Logan in my arms any day now and bringing him home and I don't get to now but it seems as though all the people surrounding me are bringing home healthy full term babies and I can't help but be jealous. Until I am pregnant again or have a baby in my arms I will probably struggle with this.
I have found strength from other mothers who have lost their babies who might understand what I am feeling a little bit better. It is like you have this special bond automatically and they just understand if at any moment you are going to break down into tears and that is okay if you do cry. I wish crying wasn't such a shameful thing. Automatically if someone is crying its awkward and you don't want anyone to see you. Why does it have to be that way? Why can't someone just put their arm around you and be a shoulder to cry on and try to understand that is apart of the grieving process. (some people do)
I am not good with words or writing but it makes me feel a little bit better on a sad day. I am so grateful for the people who are patient with me and do not get bothered when I talk about Logan so much and the what ifs and the heartache I feel of not having him here. I understand that it may be overwhelming and annoying at times but I truly need to do it and am so grateful whenever anyone is willing to listen to me talk about him and the heartache I feel because bottling it up is just to hard.
3 comments:
Oh Lar I'm So sorry!!! Its so true. I felt/feel the same way about Harry. I do feel that losing a baby is downsized. They didn't cry, grow up, you didn't "bond" with them but I DID! I loved him from day one. I think as time goes on it does get easier but when you have a bad day/week its like really? i thought i was doing ok. Just know those bad days will always come, I still have those days. Grieve, cry, do everything and anything that makes you feel comfortable and at peace. And if it means not going to baby showers or congratulating others who've had babies its ok. I hope and pray your time is soon!!!! And write how you feel. Thats what helped me the most writing down my feelings and talking with others who understood. Because really, until you've lost a baby, no one can really understand how devasting, life changing it really is. LOVE YOU!!!!!
I think your words are beautiful and spot on! You'll always feel a little bit stronger and then a little bit weaker. were human! Go easy on yourself. People just don't know what to say in an situation were someone can be vunerable! it sucks! But i always try to talk about my IzzyJane as id everyone knew her. Try to talk about Logan and write his name and do anything that helps you remember him! It helps! Thinking of you and Logan! He is such a handsome little guy!
OH lauren, I cant even imagine. I think you have just as much pain as a mother loosing her teenage child. I wish I could help you. Try writing logan a letter? that might feel good? If there is anything ya need let me know. ellie
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